Posted by greyskyeyes on October 6, 2005, at 13:40:44
In reply to Re: Breakingthe cycle of abuseWhat do you do diffe, posted by happyflower on October 4, 2005, at 12:55:12
>>> It sounds like to me you have stopped the cycle, which isn't always easy.
Yes and no. I think I've managed to break the cycle of emotional withdrawal that I grew up with. I still have a tendency to withdraw when I get particularly upset, but I think overall I'm much improved. It helps that DH is a very expressive guy (he cries more than I do! :). But the physical part, the tendency to lash out... that's harder. It's so deeply ingrained that it's unconscious. And unfortunately... the only way to work on *that* is practice. Each time I regress I hate, my son is such a sweet little boy and doesn't deserve it. It's so hard... :(
>>> It sounds like you and I have had simular childhoods, and I think sometimes in the heat of the moment we resort to what we have learned from our parents.
Yes, I think so. That's why I like it here. It's nice to 'talk' to people who understand. :)
>>> What does your T do for this? I would interested in how they deal with breaking the cycle. I will have to check out that book.
We deal with it by talk, talk, talking it into the ground! :) Sometimes I wonder how she does it... I must sound like a broken record. I guess the way to break the cycle is to be aware not only that you are perpetuating it, but how your actions are like those of your parents. Does that make sense?
An example... I particularly began to have problems when my son started to develop his wonderful little (toddler) personality. Suddenly the tiny, sweet critter who would lay in my arms and lovingly gaze at me became this strong-willed little *person* (gasp!) who had opinions of his own which did not necessarily reflect mine. I was finally able to verbalize this when he was about 14 months old, that I thought that was part of the reason I often had ambivalent feelings about him. And my T drew a parallel to my mother - how my mother would withdraw when I expressed a contrary opinion; how we cannot to this day converse about topics on which we don't agree. How she still holds a grudge for bringing me to rehearsals/ auditions/ etc. that she didn't want to go to. And by drawing these parallels, I realize where the feelings/ urges/ whatever come from, that they aren't born out of severe pathology but rather a result of my environment of origin. And by understanding them... it is easier to defeat them.
This is why the physical cycle is harder to break - it's a more primitive side which cannot be rationed with.
Definitely read the book!!! But, it's a hard read. The author suggests reading it twice - once for yourself, then for your children. I thought that was odd, but she was absolutely right. I read it 2 months ago and still haven't been able to pick it back up yet.
I'm sorry... I seem to have written a novel here... I have a bad habit of doing that! :)
~ grey
poster:greyskyeyes
thread:563421
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/child/20050817/msgs/563683.html