Posted by llrrrpp on August 22, 2006, at 23:03:52
I just watched Transamerica with my husband. I didn't cry at the movie. But afterwards, we were just sitting on the couch, and I was looking at him, and thinking how nice he is, and how cute, and how considerate and funny, and amusing. I was thinking about what a rare gift it is to have people love you for who you ARE, not for who they WANT to you to be. And I just started crying, because I don't ever want him to go away. And then I started crying even harder because I know that being around him makes me feel better about myself. There's not anything that I am afraid of asking him, or telling him. (including, phillipa, the fact that I have psycho-babble buddies like yourself, and curtm and countless others, who are scattered around the country and the world, but share words and lives with me on these vanilla screens). And I realized that I have come a very long ways from being a 20 year-old, terrified of spending the rest of her life as a lonely wart on the margins of society, trying to fit in where nobody thinks twice about her. And how good it feels to have someone there, someone who understands me, and likes the squishy tummy, and who I can ask about the bad stuff that has happened in my life. Someone to forgive me when I hurt him, and someone to think about when I want to hurt myself. Geez. I'm a mess. can't stop the tears from coming. Why do I deserve him? I can't figure it out. I *know* that I'm not like others, and he likes me anyways (or maybe BECAUSE of my quirks). Why is this so scary?
I don't want to lose him. He's not in danger, but I just worry about this all of a sudden, because maybe it's not inevitable that we found each other. What if? Why am I thinking about this stuff? He's healthy (healthier than I am). He's not going anywhere. Why am I thinking about this stuff. I think I better go hug him again. He thinks I'm strange. I already told him this stuff, and he just laughed at me, and then hugged me and told me I was psycho (which made me laugh some more) and now I can still smell him, and I'm starting to cry again. But they are happy tears. Do ANY of you know what this is like? I am so confused.
-ll
poster:llrrrpp
thread:679203
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060725/msgs/679203.html