Posted by BarbaraCat on August 4, 2004, at 15:24:25
In reply to Re: Merlin's fantastic passing, posted by woolav on August 4, 2004, at 14:50:06
**Dear S,
Thank you so much for your beautiful post. It brought tears to my heart. Sometimes I wonder about opening so wide to love, knowing that it inevitably leads to deep pain. But also deep wonder and joy. I think we humans have a hard time, a fear almost, of joy, knowing that we'll lose it. I sure have identified that my issues in life are around fear of loss. At least it's a good thing to know. I also clench around what 'might happen' in the future, but I'm learning, slowly, that these things rarely happen and if they do, I've always been able to handle them. Sometimes not so well, but here I am, still alive and still learning.Being totally in the moment, no matter what is going on, seems to be the key. I had panic disorder for years. It was by far the most awful thing I ever went through. I can take 'life sucks' depression, but panic will bring me to my knees. But since learning more and more how to breathe into each moment and realizing that in the moment I can handle anything, has helped tremendously. Even Merlin's very traumatizing death where he struggled so hard to keep living was a sacred event, a wonder beyond words.
I hope you can find a way to heal this difficult disorder in yourself. Praying helps me. Sometimes I have no idea who or what is listening, but I know someone is.
The experience of your pup glowing was real. Things like that are gifts, and you know at the time that they're true. We can't know for sure what happens in the Hereafter, but experiences like that where we can open to the feeling allow us to have hope that there is a reason for all things.
Good for you for adopting the pound puppy. This sounds like it was guided by your little lost one. They do things like that, have their paw in our lives. I share your grief about the situation regarding not being able to be there. But we do the best we can. In retrospect it always seems like we could have done this and that, and we probably could have. But no one appears out of the clouds and gives us a To Do list in life. The first order of all things is to vow to learn from life's lessons and then forgive ourselves for not being perfect.
I don't know what your beliefs are. I am a very lapsed recovering Catholic and by no means a practicing Christian. My beliefs are very eclectic, a mixture of all things. But I do believe in the loving presence of the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, the Guide. If you can begin to chat with this Holy Presence and ask for guidance, you will receive it. The best of luck to you and your little girl and animal friend(s) - and keep in touch. - Barbara
> I have read all the posts about Merlin. It gets me in the heart. I had to put down my cocker spaniel about 6 yrs ago from cancer. She fought hard, but I was and still am, fragile mentally. So, it takes alot to just get myself through life. But, anyway, I have panic disorder and lots of other goodies...But when my dog was sick, I couldnt really deal with it. I kinda tried to block it because i thought i would end up in a mental hospital or something. And i have a daughter to raise. So, i had to try to keep myself going and i couldnt do what i wanted for her. And to this day, i feel such guilt. I couldnt even be in the room when they put her to sleep. I have hated myself for that and other things since then. But she did come to me in a dream and she was "glowing" like an angel and i knew she wanted me to know she was okay. About a year after her passing, i rescued a dog from the pound who was days away from being put down herself. And i have given her all my heart. And i know one day, i will have to deal with her passing and i pray that i will be strong enough.
> S
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:371461
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20040220/msgs/374074.html