Posted by BarbaraCat on August 5, 2004, at 21:16:04
In reply to Re: In Honor of Their Passing » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 4, 2004, at 16:29:56
How true, Katia. It's a big challenge to step up to the plate and play. It's a big responsibility to have 'the gift', whatever form it takes. I know I've always been plugged into the spirit world and it's a big part of the huge sensitivity issue - mixed blessing, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I've stopped giving a rip what other people think. But what to do with it, how to make a 'living', how to keep those boundaries intact and not get sucked back into our own hell worlds.
Yes, this past 1-1/2 years with my Mom's death and then Merlin's has split the veil. I KNOW there's something I'm called to do that most people don't even want to face. Dirty job, someone's got to do it - but what is it??? I'd love to work with animals helping out people who are dying. I've felt called to work with the dying for many years now, mainly because I'm not afraid of it (call me weird but I have a much easier time with human death than animals). I've had two very near brushes with death and came back both times feeling so strongly it wasn't my time, I still had work to do - but what?? Tell me, please. Volunteered at a hospice facility, but it was pretty clinical and extremely messy and so frigging beaurocratic. The thing that was missing for me was humor and spirit and love - something the animals can do so well. But Jeeze Louise, do I really and truly want to immerse myself in THAT world? Pretty heavy stuff.
The thing that always stops me from moving forward on so many of my good ideas (I have far too many to ever see to fruition) is my perceived need for training, credentials, initials after the name. Perhaps I can troll my experience as a computer analyst, but it doesn't seem very appropro in the greater scheme of things. I see years and years of school ahead of me and it stops me every time. I barely have enough time and energy for basic everyday stuff and I'm not even working. How can I get it together to manage a new calling?
I have deep security fears and they're keeping me stuck. Doing what you love doesn't always mean the money will follow and I am so weary of the stress of trying to survive. But maybe if it were something that fired me with a sense of passion and purpose for being here, of being able to give back to life, maybe the energy and sheer delight would just be there and it would be enough. Maybe being destitute even wouldn't matter, although I'd prefer not.
I only know that not being in touch with my life's purpose, feeling like I've been drifting and wasting this vast gift of my potential has been the biggest sorrow of my life. It's the source of every illness I have. I've had so many false starts but haven't been able to see them through - it's been one delay, obstruction, illness or catastrophe after another. Good ideas that don't pan out. And here I am in the second half of my life, and I don't know where I'm going and it scares me. Sometimes I think I bear the mark of Cain, destined to wander unfulfilled. But isn't that the case with most of us? So tragic. So much work to be done on this planet and billions of us wanting so much to help but don't know where to begin. Oh, I get to feeling so sad and discouraged and need to snuggle with a warm furry kitty right now. And God help me, not think too much on the fact that this kitty too will be gone some day. Argghh, live in the moment, Barbara, this moment is just fine.
So, I guess it just means - 'start'. One foot in front of the other, breathe into the moment and stay in the heart. Listen to your own mantra, Barbara. There's that call we have to answer even if it's half formed. But I can get off on so many tangents and there's wisdom in not leaping forward as well. There's also the matter of our 'divine madness'. Shamans weren't given the time of day unless they were experienced in the ways of darkness and the underworld. Been there, done that, haven't we? I guess it's a gift and as long as we don't let ourselves get frigtened or hopeless, it can lead the way, even though in a roundabout path.
So here's to Merlin and Rock and all the other critters that have broken our hearts open. Anyone who wants to add humans to that list is welcome, but for me, animals are so much less complicated. I'm glad we've gotten to know each other so much better through these pages, Katia. Yeah, I really appreciate not having to mention 'meds' every time I want to have a heart-to-heart with you. - Barbara
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:371461
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20040220/msgs/374515.html