Posted by DaisyM on April 23, 2004, at 16:28:59
In reply to So much to do......, posted by emmaley on April 22, 2004, at 14:45:11
<<<I know that I am not alone. Yet, in a tiny spot of my soul where the wounds reside and where the land is barren, I just feel like I am, all along.
<<<And then the grief comes, washing me off the shore.
<<<I dread going into that dark and cold place inside myself, but I do. My therapist seems to dread it, too, even though he says he is willing. I think that he dreads it because.......because whenever I get close or actually go in, he goes straight into his head or tries to get me into my head.
>>>Emmaley, I could have written both of your posts.
They touched such a sad place in me. I don't know what you are grieving for, or whom but it is so "alive" and so real for me. I know that "just keep functioning" feeling. My only real joy comes when I am hugging my kids and even then I am awash in the grief of loss.
I had a nightmare the other night. I sat straight up in the darkness and in the 3 seconds it took me to reorient to the here and now I felt that stark aloneness you refer to. My heart was pounding and there was fear in my throat. It took a little while to figure out that I was alone in my own room and not where ever the dream had taken me. I layed there for a little while, silently reviewing the dream and trying to imagine a different ending. I felt the creep of tears and asked myself how I ended up so alone in the dark. This wasn't how I envisioned my life.
I spend way too much time in my head avoiding these feelings. I've been able in therapy to reach down to them and at least begin to tolerate the dark coldness for a few seconds at a time. But my Therapist does go with me. Sometimes he even leads. Once, when he wanted me to talk about a really horrible incident, I had him in the corner of the room so I wasn't alone with it.
And then I freak out that it is all too much, too dark for him. On Monday he asked me if I wanted to come back again sooner than I was scheduled to and I said, "I'll just drag all this sadness back in here again." He said "this is where it belongs. I think you should come."I guess this is my long-winded way of saying that you should be able to metaphorically take your Therapist with you to those really dark places. And they should be willing to go. It isn't easy on either of you but I think it is necessary. If you both agree that he can't do that for you, no wonder you feel so alone. If you aren't letting him (something I tend to do) you will have to figure out what is stopping you.
Grief is a very powerful emotion. What you said about being swept out to sea is such an apt description. But it says to me that while you might need a different Therapist, you still need support.
Please take care of yourself and see if you can bring all this up at your next appointment.
poster:DaisyM
thread:338869
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040419/msgs/339256.html