Posted by daisym on October 30, 2004, at 15:56:56
In reply to Discouraged, feeling selfish, posted by Aphrodite on October 30, 2004, at 12:58:07
(((Aphrodite)))
You are asking really good questions and there are no right or wrong answers. My therapist and I talked about this a lot as I started to open up about stuff, whether it would be more stressful and retraumatizing to tell the stories. Our litmus test was whether they were disruptive without talking about them. Since the memories were invading my dreams and the depression seemed to be getting worse, we elected to "stick our toe in the water", as he put it. I had so many writing assignments around the first round of telling...if you search you will see some of them. I found that it was retraumatizing but such a relief to put the pieces together and have someone listen to what happened. To be able to agonize over whether it was my fault or not, and not have the immediate "of course not" response. He let me look at why I felt this way and acknowledged why I would. One thing in particular got reframed for me and if I get nothing out of all this work, I'll be eternally grateful for that one thing. It was huge. Huge!
I guess my advise is to first try to look at what you think you might get out of telling the tales. Knowing that they can't be undone, your therapist can't save you nor can he make it not hurt. My therapist agrees that it will be a lifelong hurt, we won't probably ever get to a place where I can say, "no big deal." But it isn't appropriate, really, to think of these things as "no big deal." I think I am working towards a place where the memories aren't loaded with anxiety and life-stopping pain...they are just sad and ugly and a part of my painful past. I want to be able to choose to think about them or not. When I am reminded of them, I'll feel the sadness, and maybe even anger, but it will be titrated in a way that it doesn't take me down. Or at least, not for very long. I'm not there yet.
My therapist talks to me a lot about grieving. That deep grief for what happened, and for what didn't happy (an ideal childhood) is enormously powerful and brings on these suicidal feelings and tidal waves of hopelessness. But releasing the feelings, working through the grief, is the only way up and out. Grieving entails telling the story over and over and over again, each time finding a new angle and a new feeling. Like a child learning a new skill, or anyone you've ever met who recently had a baby and wants to tell their birth story. Powerful events need telling.
If you choose to not tell the tales, you can work on moving forward, learning new coping skills and marking past events as past. This is an OK choice, it isn't a cop-out, or weak, etc.
However, it would be my observation, given how much like me you are, that even if you want and need to talk about the specifics, you think you don't have a right to grieve these events, to take up someone's time with your heart ache and pain, because some of this was "self-chosen." And besides, "it happened a long time ago, I'm smart enough to not let it affect me now and I have all these current things to deal with." I've said all of that a million times.
Where to start? Another good question. My therapist likes to say, "pull a thread, and let's see where it takes us." We started in the middle, really and then went back to the beginning. The assignment of walking through the houses I've lived in was helpful as a conversation starter. Think about how you might want to do this. Do you want to tell the story without interruption? If so, say so. I wrote down one of the most traumatic things and said to him, "I want to read this. I need to conquer the words but I might skip parts that are too hard to say out loud right now." I gave him a copy and forced myself to get through it. He was patient and didn't derail me with questions. And at the end, he asked how it felt to tell him, not anything specific about what I had just read. After we managed those feelings, I could go back to the feelings that went with the event.
I'm guessing everyone does it differently. I hope those that are sharing their stories will jump in here and add how and what works. I would have been one of those people who would have encouraged you not to wallow in it a few years ago. I had no idea how much I needed to talk about the dark corners and the lurking fears. It isn't easy, but I think it sounds like you are ready.
Put your toe in the water. You aren't alone. I've got a towel, warm from the dryer, ready to wrap around you the minute you need it.
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:409215
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041026/msgs/409275.html