Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2004, at 11:54:43
I'm lucky my therapist knows me so long, or he'd probably think I was going crazy.
I've said before that I am generally in some degree in an altered state of consciousness when I go to therapy. A light trance that facilitates the deliberate emergence of my emotional, and "younger" I suppose, self. I've asked my therapist if it's bad to deliberately induce that so that I can show up regularly for therapy as opposed to the spontaneous "regressions" or as my rational side calls them "hostile takeovers" that is usually the only way to emerge. He thinks that since the overall effect is that I do less destructive things and there are fewer hostile takeovers that it's not bad of me.
But even though I do it all the time, there are differences in how deep I go into the trance or whatever it is. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely there at all, and I sound not too much different from my rational self although there are still differences in things like the way I sit and how I sound and what words I use. The deeper I go, the greater the differences. And sometimes in the course of a session I go so deep that I can barely find words at all, and the words I use don't make a lot of sense to anyone but me. I start trying to use my hands to describe things.
Yesterday was like that, and far off, part of me was wondering if my therapist thought I was having a psychotic break. But strangely enough, he seemed to understand what I was saying.
It was all about hot pink and yellow, maybe a bit of orange and white. Mod colors. And how I felt like I needed to create a pink and yellow world so I could be safe, and that's why I was having trouble with spending right now. But that no matter how much I spent, I couldn't seem to have *enough* pink and yellow. And that maybe the problem was that I was buying things that *felt* pink and yellow but weren't. Things from the mod early seventies, but not actually pink and yellow. And that maybe if I redid my study in pink and yellow entirely, I could quit spending. And I told him how when things were really scary lately, I closed my eyes and saw pink and yellow swirling around, and I knew I needed to surround myself by pink and yellow. I'm not sure I actually said it this well, because I didn't have many words.
And he actually understood. Or at least I think he understood. He said things that would make sense if he understood. That there wasn't enough pink and yellow to buy to make things safe again. That I needed to find the pink and yellow inside me. I don't think there's enough pink and yellow inside me, though.
Sometimes when something isn't there anymore you know what was so important about it. I knew it about Harry, but I didn't really know it about Daddy. I like to be loved. I like it a lot.
Oh well. This probably doesn't make sense, but that also probably gives you a good idea what it was like in my session yesterday. I can't believe my therapist understood.
poster:Dinah
thread:435295
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041228/msgs/435295.html