Posted by Dinah on June 20, 2005, at 22:30:43
In reply to Re: Seems ironic » Dinah, posted by annierose on June 20, 2005, at 21:37:30
Thanks Annierose. I think you understand the impact of this better than he does.
Believe me, I'm brainstorming. :)
He used to be associated with a clinic, and I don't think he's ever really gotten used to not having that. He's now on his own. A lot of the people who used to be with the clinic seem to be supplementing their income with other work, like teaching. He used to have that work he did travelling, and he still does, but there hasn't been a lot of it lately for reasons that don't have anything to do with him. I didn't like it when he travelled, but it provided a level of security for him, and by extension for me as well.
I don't suppose I explained fully why he told me. We were having a vigorous discussion (that in a nontherapeutic setting might have been considered at least a squabble if not an argument) about my not believing he really liked me. Now, I'm not sure he understood what I meant by that. I meant like and respect. I think he meant care about. But at any rate, I told him I knew he was kind of fond of me. And he was angry that I would dismiss his level of feelings and commitment as mere fondness. (I had described fondness as what you might feel for a stray dog that you fed regularly. If it didn't show up you might miss it a bit and wonder where it went, but it wouldn't be a huge deal to you.)
He said "I don't know whether I should tell you this..." Then stopped. Now, whenever those words come out of my mouth, I'm pretty sure it's a sign that I should have never said anything at all. :)
But overall, I'm not sorry he told me. It was what I needed at that particular moment in my therapy. I was feeling disconnected and frustrated that he felt so self contained to me. Like I was reaching out to grab something, but he was so far behind the therapeutic boundaries that there was nothing for me to grab hold of. And he responded with this, which was farther outside his normally formidable boundaries than he has ever stepped before. (Except maybe the dependent woman thing). It gave me something very tangible to hang on to. Plus, it did give support for his assertion that he cared about me more than a stray dog.
It just had a few downsides too.
However, it helped me feel connected in a different sort of way than I'd felt connected before, and I actually asked if it would be ok to ask for a hug at the end of the session.
He asked me what I thought. I told him I thought he'd say we'd need to talk about it. He laughed and said that if I felt comfortable asking after all this time, he thought it would be ok, if it would be ok with me. Then corrected himself and said it must be ok with me since I had asked.
So I got my first (and probably last) hug. I had forgotten by the time he had finished writing my receipt and hugged me, so I ended up smushing my nose against his chest, which was embarassing. And it didn't really feel as good as being emotionally held. So I don't know that I'll ask for a repeat. A handshake works just as well as tangible evidence that he is real, when I need that.
poster:Dinah
thread:515914
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050615/msgs/516346.html