Posted by daisym on June 22, 2005, at 0:45:42
I wasn't sure if I should put this in the thread about "In Session" but...
I made this whole speech about therapy and my therapist to Fallsfall last night but darn if I could remember most of it when I got to therapy today. What I did remember was that I wanted to ask him questions about him...and I wanted to sort through why we talk about how I feel about things that I can't change, like his vacation. I also told him I was tired of leaving sessions upset and in pieces, it was too hard to keep trying to put myself back together.
He could tell that I was in my head today, I wanted to intellectualize things. He pretty much let me. He gave me this speech about why it was better for me not to know too much about him, and I gave him a look. He said, "You think I'm rationalizing." I said, "You are." He nodded and gave me the speech anyway. I said that I thought keeping his personal life out of the room protected him too, and he agreed. He said he thought I knew lots about him, the important stuff, just not the concrete details. Like I know who he is and how he felt about things. But he said he would answer most questions I wanted to ask, if we talked about why I wanted to know. I thought about the thread (above) what you wished you didn't know about your therapist.
Yesterday we talked about a sexual dream I had about him. It was a complicated dream and it just sort of popped out of my mouth when talking about how I felt about him. I was trying to figure out why I was so upset about his vacation coming up. I didn't mean to tell him about it, it just came out. So today I picked up this thread, in my most intellectual voice, said that these feelings were very confusing for me because I wasn't sure what they meant or even what concrete wishes they represented. I said I NEVER feel these kinds of feelings, I don't allow it. So this was all pretty terrifying. He said he could see why it would be.
What I did know was that they made me wonder stuff I'd never wondered about before. Like, "do you hold hands with your wife when you are walking together." OR, "how do you handle knowing that some of her clients might have sexual feelings about her and how does she handle it about your clients having these feelings for you?" You know what his next question was right?
He asked me, "What do you think these questions mean?" I said that I thought the hand holding question was my way of asking him if he was gentle. He said, "In bed?" I said I guess, but more than that, overall, as a husband. He said, "What do you think the answer is?" I said I would guess he holds hands. He said he does, but not all the time. Then he wanted to know why I was bringing his wife into the room with us, was I worried about how she would view my feelings? We talked about my attempt to build another triangle (a reenactment) similar to my mom, my dad and myself. It got uncomfortable and I moved away from it. We ended up talking about what he was hoping for me to get out of therapy and what I was hoping for.
I'm in such a confused place. I told him I didn't know if I wanted him to be my mommy or if I wanted to try to seduce him. Because the feelings are strong, yet fleeting. And they won't stay one way or another. Urg. I guess I got one of the things I wanted, I didn't leave upset or in pieces. I told him perhaps I was still testing him, ("will you leave me now? How about now? What about this, will you leave me NOW?") especially since he was leaving. He asked me if he passed the test today...and of course he did.
So, why does my chest hurt tonight and how come I feel so completely alone? I'd really like to hear how you guys talk about your intense feelings, especially if they have sexual overtones, for your therapist and what you did/are doing about them. Is it more acceptable to have childlike longings to be taken care of than it is to have these more adult type feelings?
poster:daisym
thread:516928
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050615/msgs/516928.html