Posted by Tamar on June 22, 2005, at 15:20:02
In reply to Confusing Session, posted by daisym on June 22, 2005, at 0:45:42
Hey Daisy,
I can imagine it’s pretty confusing. Especially that the feelings are strong but fleeting, and probably changing in nature from one moment to the next.
I can’t tell you how I talked about my feelings, because I didn’t talk. But I can tell you what happened when I didn’t talk about my feelings.
My transference started with sexual feelings, so I didn’t go through a paternal or maternal thing first. And once I’d figured out what it was (after spending a few days thinking I’d fallen in love) I started trying to figure out what to do about it.
Everything I read suggested I should talk to my therapist about it. I really didn’t want to. For several weeks I was consumed with longing for him between sessions, but when I was actually in session with him the problem didn’t seem too awful and I couldn’t imagine confessing. And I was sure his response would feel like a rejection and that I’d feel worse.
Eventually I decided I did want to tell him. Sort of. Maybe. After all, I trusted him, and many therapists seem to be able to handle that sort of thing with sensitivity. So a few times I started skirting the issue in session with the intention of telling him. But every time I did this he seemed to head me off at the pass. I thought either I was being paranoid, or I was approaching it wrong and he expected me to be able to come right out and say it. I really felt as if he was discouraging me from talking about it. And because of that I thought he must have guessed how I felt, and I concluded that he considered my feelings to be disgusting and unacceptable.
Recently I’ve come to think perhaps he had a theoretical orientation that involved keeping transference from becoming the focus of therapy (because it was short term therapy). But at the time I didn’t know about that possibility, and feeling unable to talk about it was enormously confusing and distressing. I continued to believe he thought I was utterly repulsive until he shook my hand in our very last session. Only when he actually touched me did I begin to think perhaps I wasn’t as untouchable and revolting to him as I’d assumed. And therefore it was only after termination that I finally understood I could have talked to him and he would have accepted whatever I had to say.
I didn’t want to make this post all about me. I simply realize how wonderful your situation is. Your therapist is not only aware of the likelihood of your developing sexual feelings towards him, but can also encourage you to talk about those feelings. Nothing you can say will shock him. Nothing you can say will disgust him. He’s never going to think your feelings are inappropriate. He’s never going to be overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings. I firmly believe he will help you to feel that any feelings of desire for him are acceptable and understandable, and that he will help you process them.
From reading your post, I think you’re doing everything right. Keep being honest with him; it’s the best way to let him help you. You ask if it’s more acceptable to have childlike longings to be taken care of than to have more adult feelings… well, I’d say it might possibly feel less acceptable to you when you have adult feelings (like you said: you don’t allow it). But it’s not less acceptable to your therapist.
Although I never told my therapist about my feelings for him, I did find it extremely useful to work through those feelings on my own. So although it was extremely painful, I was ultimately glad that I had the feelings and that I had the resources to explore them and figure out what they meant to me. My therapist helped me with them indirectly by helping me learn to think psychologically. But I do feel it would be better to work through them with a therapist (which is why, if I do therapy again, it’ll be long term therapy with plenty of scope for transference).
I know it’s a scary place. But I’m certain your therapist will help make it safer.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:516928
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050622/msgs/517113.html