Posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2005, at 7:26:35
In reply to Again I feel like I can't go back to therapy, posted by cricket on July 7, 2005, at 6:52:14
Maybe it is about progress. I don't know how your relationship with your t is going. If it is going well then maybe these feelings are coming up strong because you have come to feel attached and so you have come to really care about how your therapist thinks of you.
I mean... If I don't care so much about someone then sometimes what they think of me isn't so very important. When I care about someone then things are a bit different though. They have a lot of power in the sense that they can really hurt me if they don't think well / kindly of me.
> In fact, this has nothing to do with my therapist. This is about the fact that I hate myself so much, that I find myself so completely repulsive that I cannot stand the thought of any other person having to look at me, having to hear my voice, having to be in my presence.
Is is about that or is it about fear that your therapist does / will find you repulsive and not want to have to look at you, hear your voice, and be in your presence?
> To do therapy you have to be able to stand the attention of another human being and I cannot.
Yeah. I remember that feeling really well. Thats why I can't look at therapists. I sort of can to start with (when I don't really care what they think of me) but when I start to feel attached to them and really care about what they think of me then things are different. I can't look at them. I guess it is because I'm afraid that I will see revulsion / disgust and that would destroy me. I'm so very afraid of that. I can't look. I just can't.
Because thats what I see when I look at / think about myself sometimes. And my biggest fear is that that is true. That that is what I am really like. Not so much to the passing stranger, but to the person who really sees me.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:524514
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050706/msgs/524517.html