Posted by LadyBug on July 13, 2005, at 0:55:02
I saw my T. today after 2 weeks between my appointments. It's been my choice when to make the appointments so waiting the 2 weeks was my decision for my own reasons.
I got there and she said she'd been thinking about me this morning and it seemed like so long since we'd seen each other. Usually I find a reason to call her inbetween appointments but didn't have a real need this time. I told her that the last 3 out of 4 sessions I had left feeling a bit empty, not in a bad way, I just felt nothing when I left. That isn't normal for me. I usually feel angry, or I don't want to leave because the session was so good, or at least my feelings are strong.
Last time I saw her, for what ever reason I brought up termination. I've thought a lot about it since then. I told her I hoped we could do it gently and as slowly as it needed to be. I told her I really think I've changed how I think about things. The little girl in me see's things different now. I can handle things better where as before I'd fall completly apart. I'd call her in a panic and she was always there for me.I've been with her for 8 1/2 years. Today I got a glimpse of the rewards I think I have earned working at this for so long and hard. She told me she wants me to KNOW without a doubt that she adores me, she loves me and cares for me. Wow, I know she adores, loves and cares for her children. Am I important to her? Yes! Can I work on taking that in? Yes, and I will. I want to feel those things completly!!! I want to know without a doubt that she loves me. We have become part of each other's hearts and minds. She said that I have earned it. She said she doesn't talk this way to her other patients. This is the phase that not many people get to. Many of them give up when it gets too hard. Oh, I wanted to give up about many times but we made a promise to each other when we started that we'd work it out even when it got hard and I was angry with her or she was angry with me.
I told her I feel blessed as I know this doen't happen to many people through therapy. Therapy is hard and causes a lot of pain. I've been there and I felt pain more than I cared to feel. It was hell sometimes. I'd tell her I was quitting and never coming back but I knew I needed to work it out with her or I'd be the type to dwell on it the rest of my life and our work would be unfinished. And I've needed her to work things out. We've done a great job with each other. I feel blessed that we have had the connection we have. It has been truely awesome!!!!
She told me today that down the road after we quit; if ever I can't sleep and want to talk to her in the middle of the night it would be ok to give her a call. She said no matter what, as long as she's alive she'll be there for me. Even when she retires, if I need to call her she said I could. This amazes me and gives me peace.
I don't plan on quitting any time real soon. I think it will take up to a year as we've done some pretty extensive work together. She said when we've said all we want to say to each other, then it's ok to say good-bye. She said, we will hug for as long as we need to. Right now, hugs aren't allowed so the day that happens it is going to be one powerful hug!!!
Sometimes it helps to read some positive results of therapy and not all the pain and hard work it is. This is the fruits of that hard work in motion.
I know this is long, but thanks for letting me share this. I hope I haven't affended anyone. I want to share my hope with you.
I'm glad I never gave up when I wanted to. I fought with all I had to understand and keep going when I didn't think I could take another step into her office only to feel the hurt of my childhood injuries. There is hope. I want to share that with you all!!!!LadyBug
poster:LadyBug
thread:527002
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050706/msgs/527002.html