Posted by Susan47 on October 25, 2005, at 20:11:38
In reply to Re:Susan/automechanic/ A bit at a time, posted by allisonross on October 25, 2005, at 9:14:42
No, it isn't smart to ascribe those qualities, all the wonderful things I am myself and am also looking for in someone else ... it isn't smart to put them all on one person, and an attractive sexual male, at that. Because the fact is I played these sick little mind games, for example, your last line on the post says this:
"Hugs, Ally"
And I would pretend that you were my ex-T, who was really an ex when I first came online to Babble he'd already terminated me ... I believe .. if I remember correctly, but my memory's hash, in reality, in any case. The thing is I would pretend that "Ally" was really "C" in disguise .. I was really very sick. So the fantasies I used to feed my need for a soulmate .. well, they were based solely on wishful thinking.
Which is child's play, in reality .. it's for children. I needed to be stuck in him loving me, I needed his love.
Which is wrong, because I'm the opposite sex and I was immensely attracted to him as a private person, like, someone I genuinely liked. WHich felt wrong, because of course he was in a professional role and I wasn't. If he came and saw me at my place of work, he'd be the client, not I.
Oh, what a lovely feeling that would be ;) Can you imagine being seen as this vulnerable little bit of nothing but gross pain and suffering and acting-out for years, by this T .. and suddenly he has to see me in My Environment, and he can see I'm much more than he ever saw before.
In any case, it's a sick fancy which can never come to fruition. Anything like that is child's little head games, very foolish and too, too vulnerable.
I hated myself. I still do, for my weakness.
poster:Susan47
thread:569236
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051025/msgs/571864.html