Posted by allisonross on November 11, 2005, at 18:29:02
In reply to i never post any more, but b2c's post... *trigger*, posted by ghost on November 11, 2005, at 16:49:25
> Hi, sweetie:
i partly stopped posting because i was certain my exgf was stalking me. i made a new acct to post as, but i can't bring myself to use it. some of you know me here. i feel like i'd be deceiving you all. it doesn't matter. this isn't want this post is about. and if my exgf is reading this, then she'll get quite an eyeful.
>
> reading b2c's post (and the subsequent replies) about SA made me cry. i only cry when no one's around, and i never, EVER cry at the T's office. i don't want to be in therapy,This is a courageous step, and the best thing you could do. It is hard work, but well worth your effort, if you are ever going to being to heal. Little baby steps, a little at a time.
i want her to think i'm getting better, and i want to stop going, so i never, ever cry.
I know. But crying is part of the healing process.
Unless you bring it out, you can never heal. That's the kind of thing that is like a cancer, it must be (operated on) taken out.
It will eat you alive. As painful as it is to talk about, that's the only way to begin to heal. Little baby steps a little at a time.
>
> but whenever i hear about sexual abuse or assaults, i have to stop.
>
> because (and here goes) i was raped. twice.That is horrible.
by people i know. i've never really "dealt with" it. i just kind of pushed it into the back of my mind and it only dares to peek out if i'm reading about someone else's suffering. (and part of me says "holy hell, i can't complain, because someone else was molested for YEARS... this is two isolated incidents...")
Two isolated incidents, is 2 too many. Whether it happened two times or over a period of a lifetime, it is a trauma which needs to be dealt with.
You cannot ignore it, because sooner or later it will cause major problems as I am sure you know.
>
> but the fact is that it f*cked me up. quite a bit. what was taken from me can never be replaced. i feel like i'm damaged now, somehow. damaged goods.You had a crime committed against you. It was not your fault.
no one wants damaged goods. i can never say out loud "yes, i am a victim of rape." because saying it out loud is like admitting it happened. it's like a sign of weakness or something to me.
It is a sign of STRENGTH. You probably feel shame, etc., the the shame belongs to the rapists. That is the horror of abuse. The victim (never liked that word) is left with all of the anguish and shame, and the perpetrator, goes on about their lives, like nothing ever happened. No remorse. No conscience.
>
> the T touched briefly on it during our first session, because it was a question on her intake survey i had to fill out. but i changed the subject and she's never brought it up since. i don't really want to talk about it, but i don't really want to tear up every time i'm reminded of what happened, either. i'm afraid that one day i won't be able to keep it inside and i'll wind up in an ambulance to a psych ward. over something that's seemingly small, comparitively speaking.That is why you need to discuss it with your therapist. It is hard, scary work, but necessary if you are ever going to start to heal (I don't say get over it, there are some things you never get over, but live with.
Your therapist has heard it all. She needs to know this so she can help you. If it is too difficult to verbalize, then write it down, and give it to her.
>
> b2c, i admire your courage to come out and say what you've been through. i can only imagine the guts that took.
>
> if anyone read this far, thanks. i don't really expect any replies, but maybe by finally admitting it here... well... i don't know what i expect to happen by admitting it here. maybe this is the first step. who knows.
This is a courageous step. You can continue to be authentic and courageous, by telling your therapist. I hope you will, although I know it is so scary.Hugs and Love, Ally
poster:allisonross
thread:577798
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/577857.html