Posted by ghost on November 13, 2005, at 20:54:41
In reply to i never post any more, but b2c's post... *trigger*, posted by ghost on November 11, 2005, at 16:49:25
thank you for responding. i didn't expect such a nice response. i suppose you are all right, but it's a lot to swallow in one gulp, you know?
i have a t appt tomorrow. i don't know if i'll be able to bring it up, but i'll give it a shot.
ive spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about "my past." i feel like i've confessed some sort of sin even though a) i don't believe in sins and b) i've never been to confession. i suppose there should be a c) i didn't do anything wrong, either. this deep dark secret is out in the open now (as open as open can be on the internet) and i feel ripped apart.
the weird but slightly unrelated part is that i have feelings. i have a lot of feelings. but when i walk into that t's office, i'm stone cold. i deal with everything matter-of-factly, i don't have "feelings," and i just kind of deal with everything as if it doesn't really matter. sometimes she'll ask me "how does that make you feel" and i'll know how i'm supposed to respond-- i'm supposed to be sad, or angry, or whatever. but i don't really feel it at the time.
could the time of the appt have something to do with it? i go right after work, i'm still in my work clothes, and in work mode. i feel like i'm at work, doing a job, going to therapy. i know on days ive had off, or when i've left early from work and had time to go home and change into my regular clothes it's been a better session. maybe i should see if i can meet later in the evening so i have time to go home and change. i suppose i already know the answer to that.
how does it make me feel that i was used and mistreated? it pisses me off. of course it does. but what can be done about it now? and the lines between consent and non-consent are so fine i doubt i'd even have a case. if i even wanted to admit to the public that this happened. to my parents. it's just stupid i think, sometimes. nothing can be done about it, so why does it bother me? or why must it bother me?
i don't want to be the victim. i'm tired of being the damaged one. i'm tired of hiding it, too, though. i've always pushed it deep down so that i was the strong one in relationships. i never talked about it or "dealt with" it. it was a skeleton in my closet.
a friend recently told me (who doesn't know about "my past") that i needed to find a nice "normal" significant other so that i can be the damaged one for once. i guess he meant that so that i can finally deal with everything i've been through (even beyond the past he doesn't know about), so i can have someone there to support me through it. i don't know if i'd know what to do with a solid, reliable support system. so different from what i'm used to.
i know i should try to tell the T all this. but words just don't come out. i could print this out and give it to her, but i know that i'd have to sit there, uncomfortably in her office, while she read and judged me. i know she's not supposed to judge me, but i always think people judge me when they read my writing.
i seem to have mental diarrhea this evening. words are finally coming out. i guess that's a start.
i still feel kind of disconnected from my past. like it wasn't really me. like i was able to turn me off for awhile while these things happened to me. it had to be me. because i remember it. but it doesn't feel like me.
i just feel damaged. not just from those two events from my past. but everything. decisions i've made. things i've done. just damaged.
poster:ghost
thread:577798
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/578388.html