Posted by Tamar on December 12, 2005, at 3:57:09
In reply to Re: more about therapistsTRIGGER/talk of t » Tamar, posted by allisonross on December 11, 2005, at 22:55:57
> > > (((Tamar))), hi!
>
> I couldn't help myself. As I call "her" my evil twin; I told my t that it was Francesca (my evil twin) that made me so naughty.
> >
> > I was quite surprised that I could restrain myself! I never have before… Why do you call your ‘evil twin’ Francesca?
>
> Ahhh, I just chose a name; had to have one for my alter ego, as it were!Do you find it easier to imagine that *you* are not actually the naughty one? That would make sense. But you also say that *you* like to tease and flirt; so it’s not all ‘Francesca’… I think I’d quite like to have an evil twin, unless her behaviour was VERY embarrassing!
> > So many other people here have said they feel the therapeutic relationship is too serious or sacred to joke about; the very idea makes them uncomfortable. Why do you think it’s different for us? Is it just a difference in personality? Or is there something more to it?
>
> I think it is the difference in personalities. Life is grim enough as it is, without having to be serious. My t loves my teasing and he teases right back.And yet… most people here joke about things. Just not about their therapists. So I wonder if it’s something more than differences in personality. I wonder if it means a difference of approach to some of our ‘issues’. I’m not saying one way is right and another way is wrong, but I think it’s quite likely that there’s a psychological reason for the difference in approaches.
> > Well, even if you just tell yourself to deal with it, it doesn’t mean you can just deal with it! Sometimes it’s harder than that.
>
> I know, but I have been "dealing" with it for 2 whole years!Yes, and no doubt you’ve been working hard for those two years. And I’m sure you’ve made a lot of progress in that time. But sometimes it takes even longer… It just takes as long as it takes. Don’t expect too much of yourself. Be gentle with yourself!
> > Do you think you could come to hate him?
>
> Yes. I love AND hate him.Must be confusing!
> Does *he* think you could come to hate him?
>
> He has already said: "I am afraid you will hate me." What he meant was: "All of the men in your life abandoned you."And you say you do hate him as well as loving him. So how does he deal with that?
> > I have to say, I don’t mind the idea that I can’t be together with my therapist, but the idea that he might not want me is much worse.
>
> I hear and agree. Rejection is awful. Are you not with your therapist now?I meant ‘together with’ in the sense of being a couple! So no; we’re not together! Also, I’m not currently in therapy with him. I could refer to him as my ex-therapist, I suppose, but the distinction doesn’t seem terribly important to me. He’s still my therapist even if I’m not seeing him.
> Well, I asked him. He sure tap-danced on that one. He said he "didn't think he was on a precipice"??!! But that he "could be." Huh?!
Hmm… Therapist-speak. I suspect that translates roughly as “You are an attractive woman but I’m not going to misbehave.” But of course I could be wrong; it’s hard to know what they mean when they talk like that.
> He also said he "didn't want to violate me."
I should damn well hope not.
> I told him he did NOT answer my question! He is so incredibly deep and intricate; he can take something to the moon and back; can get SO confusing. He said do you mean "sexually, intellectually, etc., etc....duhh
I suppose in some ways it’s actually very flattering that he won’t get sexually involved with you. It means he respects your whole person so much that he’s willing to give up the idea of physical pleasure with you because he knows it wouldn’t be the right thing for you. And I think if you can be sure it won’t become an exploitative relationship you can relax and enjoy the attraction. But if you think there’s a possibility that he might get involved with you, it might make you very anxious: you might worry that if you do the wrong thing he’ll withhold his affection.
> 2 years ago he said: "I am afraid I am going to fall, and that would ruin my life."
And yet he hasn’t fallen. I’m not sure how helpful it is for him to suggest that he might be unable to resist you. I don’t have too much difficulty with a therapist admitting to an attraction (although I think in the majority of cases it wouldn’t be helpful). But I’m not sure I understand how it is helpful to suggest that he might be unable to control himself.
> I think you are right, but part of me WANTS him to go too far, and maybe the other part doesn't...very confusing. BUt....HE has made it confusing. He even said: "I have failed you, and I have to work on that!"
I really think he does have to work on it.
> He said he "doesn't like strugglig with his feelings."
I wonder… Have you thought about what it might be like if you *didn’t* flirt and tease? I’m not worrying about his feelings here; I’m just curious how it would feel to you. I know to me it felt quite strange, but somehow quite comfortable too.
I just get the impression – and maybe I’m way off base – that the flirtation between you might be putting a bit of pressure on both of you. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with flirting and teasing… but maybe it’s affecting the therapeutic relationship in ways that aren’t ideal for either of you.
On the other hand, I know that asking a flirt to stop flirting is a bit like asking the tide to stay in (being a flirt myself…).
Nevertheless, it was something I found quite helpful, and I suppose that’s why I wonder if it’s something you’d consider trying in therapy...
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:587729
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051210/msgs/588275.html