Posted by kerria on March 9, 2006, at 22:32:55
Last night i went to see my T for the last time. i knew that i couldn't ever go again- T was so unaccepting of me. Holding to how wrong i was the last session.
The last session i was crying, like i do all the time while T sits and shuffles papers saying nothing. i was also talking about how my body has all these scars because of a surgery that was totally unneccesary. i had gyn pain and major surgery was done to remove anything that could be the cause of my constant severe pain. The pain was just as bad afterwards and i have these scars. One is a large lump from the laproscopy- on the front side of my abdomin. i have a good figure and it would show in a bathing suit. i have DID and the gyn dr there accused me of 'acting out' once when i had to pick up a prescription. i'm always at fault for doing something wrong . He knew that i was at fault when his receptionist had a negative attitude against me, treating me so badly because i swtitch when upset , have a psych dx. of DID.
i do have parts and struggle so much without co-consciousness/ no control over what parts do. No one ever makes any effort to understand how hard is to do anything. They treated me so terribly and now i have the true dx of the pain- that other surgery was absolutly unneccessary. i have this permanent large lump.
i was there in Ts office telling about the struggles and the scars and all the misunderstanding that there has been in so many dr's offices, trying to find the cause of my pain.
It's so discouraging to have a physical problem -like severe pain from pudendal nerve entrapment, and a psych dx., especially one like DID- where you can't have control all the time or remember.My T almost never openly took my side in it all and my psychiatrist thought it was body memories that caused the pain.
As i sat there crying in the session there was loud noise and laughing outside T's door. It kept on going on for at least ten minutes and T said he wouldn't even tell them to be quiet.
i have parts- before i knew what was happening i saw myself outside the door shouting at the cafeteria workers "Shut up. i can't even have therapy." and left. One of them said sarcastically "Well O.Kay, whatever!"
Crying alone all the way to the car and all the way home because T didn't care about me enough to stop them. How could i have therapy with that going on? T called once and i talked a sec. and he hung up on me. Then i called T - ""Why can't one person be on my side ever?"
T won't be on my side . tears. He doesn't want to. tears.So much is impossible- i feel so broken. T doesn't care - he was actually angry with me for shouting at those poor workers "Making a minimum wage, etc, " T stood up for everyone but me. i feel so unaccepted. It's so hard to live with parts and not be in control anyways, then to blame me for it? Also it was so wrong that T doesn't care about how hurt i was , he was the only person i talk to about the things that happen to me. It's ok with him for the body to have scars, that doctors say accusations that aren't accurate- just because i have DID.
i feel like i have nobody, i don't have anyone on my side . This was only one example of what happens at T's office the past six years- i can't connect with him, he's too critical of me, my parts. It's so hard to live this way.
i won't see T again. Last night after seeing T i was so upset that T still criticized my part for the shouting again- so much more is so painful , everything is so hard- we face another surgery- now for the right reason - but there's only maybe a 50 % chance pain will be better and there's o much pain everyday now. And there's parts that act without me, it's so scary i feel so helpless, hopeless and alone. After therapy i remeber crying in the car a long time and then i was so lost. Not like other people get lost- i couldn't remember where my house was. Everything kept changing and i thought about all the places i lived and really didn't know where i lived.
i lost it so badly- having to leave T for good after six years- the only T that i ever had since dx with DID. i called my psychiatrist frantically asking for another therapist. Today he called back "I can't refer you to anyone because the two referrals that i gave you , you made too many demands of, (you always ruin it)" (i wanted a number to call in emergencies because i have emergencies - not remembering where i live,etc when i'm upset)
He said- "I can give you names but not referrals."
Why doesn'tmy T and my dr understand how impossibly difficult that they make things for me- that there is no one on my side, that they blame me for part when i don't have control . It causes so much internal conflict- i hate my parts and how they act also.Why do i live?
tears, needing support,
kerria
poster:kerria
thread:618159
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060225/msgs/618159.html