Posted by Karolina on June 1, 2006, at 1:54:09
I know you guys get sick and tired of reading my posts about my T and the sexual attraction thing so I feel bad to write about it again.
But I feel like my fantasizing has gotten out of control about him. It’s gotten to the point where I get disappointed by the end of the session because nothing has happened like I imagine. Or it’s like I will try to arouse him on purpose by talking about sex but if he seems to remain calm then I feel rejected. It’s messed up. It feels like an affair to me almost, not therapy...maybe an 'emotional affair'... and he’s so casual about things, his personal life and all that.
But maybe rationally, it kind of makes sense why I ‘want’ him because I can see myself projecting so many of my feelings onto right now. I’ve felt so alone during this break up/fight with my boyfriend, but my T is there to help comfort me and listen to me. and I was only used to getting sexual attention in the past because I had low self-confidence and thought if I dressed provocatively it would make guys like me. So now it’s like I almost expect my T to act the same way as the other older guys have. Or I can see men my T’s age hitting on girls my age, so it feels weird to be in the therapeutic setting with him sometimes.
But he is so kind to me it makes me want to cry. He has helped me so much and that makes me almost have some sort of strange love for him. And I wonder if maybe underneath all the sexual desires that I am just seeking love and attention. I guess my point is, I am feeling downright confused about my relationship with him. I want to talk more about my attraction to him but I don’t want him to be annoyed by me somehow or feel awkward…he has a son my age.. But I think if I talked about the attraction, it would maybe tame my imagination some when it comes to the fantasizing. All of this tension and anxiety feels so built up inside of me. I really don’t know what to do though.
I just walked out feeling like the dumbest slut ever. I wish I could find a way to talk to him about the attraction but somehow let it connect with how I feel about my other relationships, like my boyfriend. or to use the attraction to him to explain my reactions or feelings about other people. I don't know how to explain what I mean really, sorry..
Another thing is that I feel SO jealous to think that he sees others just like he sees me. As I walked out some girl was waiting to go in to see him and it just made me feel sick. She was a lot older than me but I hate thinking about the fact that he sees other people, *girls* just like me and I wonder if he says the same types of things to them as he does to me. It makes me feel sick because I look at how much energy I put into thinking about our relationship, but then he has other relationships just like ours and i know the reality is, he doesn’t think about our relationship or maybe how special it seems, in the same way that I do.
I don’t mean to go on and on about this. I wish I could write him an email and tell him all this but I don’t want to overwhelm him with all my crap. it would be better to bring up in person but I don’t know if I’m able to do it. I am feeling so down right now…
-Karolina-
poster:Karolina
thread:651331
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/651331.html