Posted by Racer on August 9, 2006, at 22:16:07
In reply to need to tell***serious csa trigger***, posted by bent on August 9, 2006, at 17:02:48
You know what? Someone "made" you do it. Did it require a gun to your head? Of course not! All it required was a person in authority over you, a person with power over you, to tell you to do it. As a child, we're TRAINED to do what we're told to do. So, you were well trained, and it caused you to do something that you didn't want to do.
Intention counts in life, sometimes. This is one of those times. I think this is where that whole thing about grieving and accepting comes in: in order to get past this, you have to accept that it happened. And that's hard -- no question. But you know what else? Shining light on it will help, I promise. Cross my heart. Think of it as being like a fungus, or a mildew: sunlight will eliminate it, it's the best way.
I know it's not easy. My own story wasn't nearly as bad, I don't think, because I was really the only one hurt by what happened, but after 27 years of shame over something that happened to me in high school, I finally told a few people. I told GG first, as practice to telling the T I was seeing then. Then I told that T, and eventually my current T -- there's a reason I'm not seeing hte first T anymore... -- and I've also told a couple of other people here privately about what happened. After 27 years, Bent, I finally told my mother what happened. And you know what? Every time I tell someone about it, I feel healthier. I'm nowhere near being able to tell about it publicly, but I feel awfully strong for having told those I did tell.
You know what else? I'm so ashamed of this thing in my past, but -- with the exception of that first T, and probably my mother who is a squirrel -- every reaction I've gotten has helped me internalize the part about It Wasn't My Fault. It Doesn't Mean That I'm Awful. It was something someone else did, which wasn't fair, wasn't right, and hurt me very profoundly. Every time I tell it, I learn something new from the reactions I receive. (Poet, if you're reading, you really rocked my world. I never saw that perspective, and it really helped.)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is possible, and you may be very surprised by the reaction you get when you do bring this up with your T.
(In my case, by the way, it all ties in with my feeling that everything must be my fault, because it's too frightening to think that I have/had no control over something that was so fundamental to my life. Maybe that's something for you to explore, too? That you feel guilt, because it's too overwhelming to take in that you really didn't have any choice?)
I hope that helps. And I hope that telling your T helps you heal.
poster:Racer
thread:675245
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060808/msgs/675317.html