Posted by Tamar on August 14, 2006, at 6:27:50
In reply to Re: I’m going to tie my therapist to his chair, posted by Daisym on August 12, 2006, at 22:00:09
> <<<<<Contaminated is the word I always use. I doubt your therapist thinks that you are...but I completely understand this feeling. However, don't you think you are selling him a little short by not allowing him to show you how much he does value your love and trust? Think about it with your students -- if one of them told you that they cared about you deeply because you've helped them so much, would you be disgusted? Even though you know you can't be with them, you can respect their feelings and honor them with kindness and a gentle acceptance. Isn't that what we all want?
Oh, for sure. I’d never feel disgusted if one of my students told me they cared about me or loved me. In fact, sometimes they do. And one or two have said they wanted to have a relationship with me. And yeah, it makes me feel good that they care about me. It’s hard to turn it around and imagine that my therapist would feel even remotely comfortable with my feelings, though. I can imagine it when I’m at home thinking about telling him, but as soon as I’m in his office it all feels so real; it feels like an enormous risk.
> As I write this, I know it is so much more complicated for different parts of us. There is a deep internal dialogue that tells us that loving someone is the kiss of death. It is the fastest, easiest way to convince someone to run away from us -- at least this is how I think. But when I get little moments of clarity I hear my therapist say, "everyone wants to be special and that is perfectly OK. And you are very special to me."
I think your therapist is probably more forthcoming than mine would be. I can’t imagine my therapist telling me I’m special to him. On a good day I can imagine him telling me it’s OK to love him and that it’s OK to want to be special to him. But I just can’t imagine him ever saying anything at all about his feelings for me. And of course I don’t expect him to tell me he loves me. But it would be nice to hear him say he cares about me.
> And yet, when the fog descends, I find myself wishing I didn't feel such an intense array of feelings. Is this the teenage crush I was suppose to have at 17? And the sexual feelings that come and go make everything a thousand times worse and magnifies the danger of the whole thing.
Yeah. I’d like to turn my feelings off completely. About crushes… I think they can happen at any age. But if they happen naturally and healthily at 17 it’s probably easier to accept them in your 30s or 40s or 50s. And actually, I think the feelings involved in therapy are much more complex than a crush. But yeah, the sexual feelings can be terrifying. The bizarre thing is that I’m not even feeling sexual stuff for my therapist at the moment, although I’ve felt it in the past. Or actually… I’m still attracted to him, but it isn’t currently part of the transference. At the moment it feels much more comfortable; much more like my attractions to other people. Although of course there was the incident at the weekend that shook me up quite a bit (which I posted about below). I just want to love him from a distance.
> I really hate this.
Me too. I keep trying to tell myself: I *do* have him. He *is* mine. He is mine in therapy, and for that hour he’s completely mine and nobody else’s. I feel as if I can accept that. But I want him to want to be mine as well, even if it’s only in therapy.
poster:Tamar
thread:675486
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060808/msgs/676265.html