Posted by alexandra_k on September 21, 2006, at 18:07:22
In reply to Re: Blame - Trigger » Lindenblüte, posted by Daisym on September 21, 2006, at 1:41:25
> So if no one is to blame, how do I organize my thoughts around it? My father sexually abused me - a whole range of abuse -- and he was violent at times and scary -- since I was 5 until I was 12. Then he left me and I didn't see or hear from him for years.
> If he isn't to "blame" what do I say -- he had his reasons? Or he couldn't help it? How do I describe his behavior?
You just did describe his behaviour. Descriptions... Don't have judgements in them. They can be neutral and objective.
You can plug in how you felt in response to the various things he did too. Therapy can help you see that your feelings are a pretty normal / natural response to those kinds of behaviours.
Is there an answer to the question 'why did he do those things'? I'm not sure that there is really. I know that often in my own case I 'make up' (confabulate) stories around my intentions. Sometimes I have no idea. Sometimes I think the 'why's' are a call for you to justify yourself and come up with a rationale. If you were to explain the way things 'really' are (which is about impossible in hindsight anyway) well... Have you read "The Stranger"?
You have nice memories too - don't you?
How do people see natural disaster?
Of course it is understandable to feel mad.
Lifting blame is a choice. It is a volountary action. I learned about it in DBT.
I guess I'm seeing it like this:
Thesis: Its my fault, I'm to blame.
Antithesis: Its his fault, he's to blame.And back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and how to get off?
Transcendence: Blame is besides the point. Lift the blame.
That doesn't mean you aren't allowed to / can't feel angry. When you feel angry don't blame yourself for feeling angry. It is a consequence of what happened. It is an understandable consequence of what happened.
But you can feel angry without blame...
Like if a volcano erupts causing mass destruction...
You can be understandably sad and mad and hurt and vulnerable and scared...
And it doesn't have to be anybodies fault.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:686272
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/687953.html