Posted by alexandra_k on September 25, 2006, at 22:58:56
In reply to Re: I Need some help, but be gentle... » alexandra_k, posted by Daisym on September 25, 2006, at 22:21:41
> ***************Transference sucks. I'm sure this plays into it in a huge way because it all got a million times worse after I told him what happened to me when I was 5.
i'm guessing you were hurt. talking about that has gotta make you feel pretty vulnerable and scared and stuff. and hence... more sensitive to his getting sick of you or witdrawing from you or whatever.
> ************My dad left me and moved 3000 miles away when I was 12 1/2. No good-bye, no big final scene -- just...gone. I saw him again when my brother graduated from high school -- about 5 1/2 years later. You'd think I would be happy about this, right? But I was so conflicted. I loved him and I was trying so hard to fix him. My mom worked all the time. I knew she loved me, but she just wasn't there. So my dad gave me the attention I wanted, even though it was often hurtful.yeah. i understand. my father didn't give me attention... but he let me follow him around chattering at him and stuff. he never hurt me. i mean he never hit me or called me names. but i never got any attention from him. but i tried to be good. to be good. maybe if i was good enough he would pay me attention. maybe... if you were good enough and tried your hardest to do what your father wanted maybe he would be kind to you. but they left. and so... its scarey. sounds like just expressing the feelings of attachment is significant progress from where you used to be. maybe you used to be more like me? where you would never ever express... i don't know. maybe the problem is my mother was so emotionally intense and i'd see my father cringe. i always tried to mute my emotions mute my emotions never show any emotions then maybe he wouldn't be repulsed by me. i'm sorry.
> ****************************Doesn't make sense, does it? Push people away because we crave being close.well... push people away because we are so terrified of being hurt. and you care therefore you hurt. so not to care not to care no feelings you can't hurt me.
> And yes, there is terror. Primal terror that says without this person I will fragment and fall apart.
yeah. i understand that. i understand that big time. maybe that is where the healing is supposed to come in... to have faith in yourself that you won't fall apart. that you can handle it. that while it will hurt like hell you will be okay. but yeah... time. or something. i don't know. getting a little stronger...
My therapist says that I describe it as clingy because needing at all feels to me like I'm smothering someone. I think I know two speeds - completely open or completely closed.yeah.
> **********************... I do ask if he is disgusted or mad or think I'm presumptuous - but he says he thinks I need to be able to fully love someone in a safe relationship and he is honored it "gets to" be him. I always smile at that -- like he has a choice?
well you could have gone to see a different therapist. and if you had gone to see a different therapist and you had had a decent fit with them then... you would be feeling the attachment and stuff for them. i think that can be part of the healing... i know therapists aren't like washing machines... it takes a lot of time to get to know them and trust them and work out how to communicate with them and stuff... maybe it is about seeing life as... an opportunity to form attachments with all sorts of people. just in the sense that it isn't like you have one shot and that is it. or even two shots and that is it. sure you miss people and once you get to know them nobody can replace them. but the attachment... can happen with different people. with your father. with your therapist. if you had a different therapist then with them. instead of an irrevokable loss that is soul destroying... it hurts a whole heap yeah... but life goes on and other attachments are possible. or something.
> ***************************No - I doubt it would hurt less.
yeah... though maybe it depends on how well you can repress them or something. i'm not sure...
> What is that saying? Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...
yeah i reckon so. better to see life and other people as opportunities for attachments (of varying degrees of intensities and depths) than as a hostile world where people thwart your needs...
(maybe that is what is gained from secure attachment)
> But I can't seem to control the defenses - how do I learn to do that?
i don't know. maybe it takes time. maybe the ebb and flow will teach you. i mean... you are open and trusting and feel connected... then you feel scared and close off... then you talk about that and some time goes on and you are open and trusting and feel connected... then you feel scared and close off. the fear isn't necessarily that something shifts in you, either. it can be because there is stuff going on for him and so he is a little bit distracted or removed. but to see the process of closeness and a little bit of distance and closeness and a little bit of distance. so that when there is a little bit of distance one has the experience of the process to appreciate that... this too shall pass and the closeness will come back. to have that faith and not feel the terror. the terror that arises from past experiences. maybe it is just the process that is supposed to heal.
> And I've hurt so much before, you'd think I'd be used to it.
no. i think the past hurts are what makes it harder to deal with. when you are a kid and the backing off consists in... abandonment. then when there is some distance the terror of abandonment comes back. the past is what makes it so very hard.
> But the thing is - it isn't time to stop yet. He says so. I say so. It is just this young terrified part that says, "protect me- don't let him hurt me." Loving is so dangerous.
yeah. time... time for the process... self soothing... remembering times in the past when you have felt scared and then come to feel better. where he has backed off and then come back. remember the process... i think it is about coming to internalise things. what i worry about with therapy sometimes is how we are supposed to learn about attachments to *different* people, however. i wonder how we are supposed to learn to come to have faith in the world more generally. i have no idea...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:689207
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/689268.html