Posted by ElaineM on October 26, 2006, at 16:31:53
In reply to Re: please explain me and this, posted by Lindenblüte on October 26, 2006, at 8:41:53
>>>>>>The really good sessions with the right things being said- well, those are kind of rare, and special. Can't expect that to happen every week, that's why when they DO happen it's so amazing.
I know they can't happen all the time - infact I don't ever expect them to happen at all. Maybe I'm also just uncomfortable with compliments in general. He's called me courageous for living through all I did growing up, and that he's proud of the intelligent thoughtful person I've become despite hard stuff. He says he's continually amazed at how strong I am enduring all these medical things. He says he would do anything in the world to take away what's wrong with me, pay for my teeth too. And even though I know he's completely genuine when he says stuff like that (regardless of the other things he also says), I could barely feel him say those things at all.
>>>>>The other reason why you feel no connection to him is because he doesn't feel SAFE to you.
I'm sad that I think that's true. I don't feel in danger there, like he's gonna smack me or worse, but that he is not strong enough for me to be weak. But how can a person deeply care and NOT themselves be set off-balance and hurt when another is feeling sad? How do you know if caring is real then? How can anyone feel safe that way? (I think I'll leave the rest of this idea for later)
I used to feel spooked that he would want to hold me so much, but that had started to subside. That's also why I had wanted him to return my last email so I could see if that's what he was trying to say he wanted to start up doing again, or not. (I wanted Not) But then if it would make him *feel* strong enough inside to appear stronger for me, maybe it would be worth it......Li, he said that it would make him feel better at least if I did let him hold me while I spoke....???.... :( He said, "So is that okay?" I know he's not liked here, but how do I sorta say No in a really really nice way. I know I don't need to "be nice" but if I don't feel that he wouldn't be hurt by my answer then I just won't be able to say anything. I feel bad using it like this, but would it be disrespectful for me to kinda use my ED history as an excuse, and say that I feel too fat to let him touch me. And then maybe I can say that only hugging before goodbye would help me.
I need help with this part cause I'm supposed to go to him after my ultrasounds tomorrow. Help with this part please.>>>>The thinking "rational" part of you makes a decision to go to your sessions. The "feeling" part of you ties itself in a big inpenetrable knot and barely makes it through week after week.
I never thought of it like that. That does sound true. I haven't been able to help saying all those horrible thoughts in my sessions lately, though I do shutup pretty quickly cause a reassuring, or structured response never comes. I feel his scaredness when I speak like that. Often he ends up just staying in silence. But then I just feel like I need to find something to break the silence and I end up just blurting out an equally horrible (or repetative) statement.
But it's true that I usually just end up keeping it in and then either I panic-blowup all over myself and SI happens, or I flood all over you guys here. I want him to stay with his T. I want his T to make him strong. And then I want him to share his strength with me by knowing what to do with me more when I don't do therapy right. When I don't know how it's supposed to go. When I can't break silences. When I have bad symptoms get worse. I mean, what do other T's say then? Maybe I'm holding him to standards that don't really exist. Like, what would another T say if a client seemed like they were getting worse, and was wanting to die? Would they not just also say "I'm sorry you feel that way", "I want you to live", "Hospital", or also maybe a hug or tear. OR is the difference that T's can show weaknesss but it has to only be at the right times, and not most of the time. Or I guess you're saying that the same actions or words can be judged differently (like mean more to others) because of the way the relationship feels leading up to it?....okay I have to stop cause I'm talking myself confused.
poster:ElaineM
thread:697776
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061026/msgs/697980.html