Posted by Daisym on February 7, 2007, at 0:47:26
I've been working on a visualization exercise as I try to work towards feeling more empowered to stand up for myself. But I can't do it. And I'm so ashamed and disgusted with myself that I can't do it, even though it is ONLY in MY imagination -- I can't even pretend in my own head that I'm strong.
The idea is to figure out how you would save yourself from an abusive situation. You imagine a scene and then you bring your adult self into it and you save yourself from the abuse. So I can get the scene held in my mind but when I enter, I freeze. I stand in my own imagination watching my dad abuse me, terrified that he will notice me. I want to yell at him to get off of her, I want to strike him with something...but instead I get sick to my stomach. Over and over I've tried this. Over and over I'm sick.
I told my therapist today that I've been trying to do this. He had me walk him through it and I ended up in tears -- why can't I even try to fake being brave? He suggested that maybe we need to do it together, that I take him in with me when the adult enters to save the child. That way I'm not alone, trying to save myself, by myself. I hesitated, after all, this is an empowerment exercise. And things have been really hard between us, I've been angry with him for "bad" session a week ago. He's OK with my anger (I'm not) and we keep talking about it, trying to reconnect. (I think this is another post, though.)
Part of me wonders if I can't do this exercise because I've been operating without a net, so-to-speak, feeling so alone and scared. Or maybe I'm just not ready to confront the abusing dad. I have completely separated the dad from my childhood from the dad who reentered my life after I was 20. They seem like two very different people. They aren't, there have been enough things over the years to tell me that this man can still be scary and unpredictable, but I only see him 1x a year, if that, so I can cope.
What do you guys think? Should I keep trying to work on this on my own? Or should I try it with my therapist? Or should I just give up and know that I'll never be brave enough...I couldn't save myself then and I still can't.
poster:Daisym
thread:730667
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070203/msgs/730667.html