Posted by jammerlich on July 22, 2007, at 17:13:43
I feel like I'm at a major crossroads with my T, one where I must decide whether or not to stay with her, and I could really use some help.
My session Thursday was awful from beginning to end. It started with her being over 20 minutes late calling me in b/c the lady before me got there late, ended with me having to take a different time next Tuesday (b/c someone else was already scheduled in my slot), when I've been going at the same time for months, and was filled with general yuckiness in between.
It was one of those (all too common) sessions where I have trouble talking and she repeated what she'd said last week, that the fear and worry over saying certain things is much worse than actually saying them. So, I bit the bullet in a BIG way (at least it seemed so to me) and told her that, for me, it's often a lot harder when I do talk about more sensitive things because then I really miss her between sessions, want to call and feel very needy....and I just hate it. And this was basically her response, "I'm OK with you calling; what I don't want is for you to feel like you can't survive without me. You need to know you can handle things on your own. But, no, I wouldn't want you calling every day." (I never said I wanted to call every day, btw)
That was about as bad as I feared it would go, so she was dead wrong when she said the fear was worse than the telling. I feel like it's not OK with her for me to need her. And I just don't think I can talk about things from when I was little with someone who isn't OK with that. I feel a "come close...oh, but not TOO close" vibe from her and I really think that's what's keeping me from talking. I need to know that if I'm having trouble between sessions, I can call her and get a warm response, otherwise I don't even want to go there. And, if it so happened that I needed to call several days in a row, I'd need that to be OK, too, I think. I don't WANT to have to do that. God knows, I hate those feelings, but I need to know that'd it'd be OK.
I saw her for about a year, we had an ugly (for me) and abrupt termination, then after a little over a year away, she agreed to see me again. And when I saw her that first time, her message was "It's OK for you to call. If you're even thinking about calling, I want you to call, even if it's simply to connect. Just tell me that's what you're looking for. And it's OK for you to need me. Over time, that will naturally change and you will move on to other things and people." Ever since coming back, I've thought she's not been nearly as open; but, Thursday was the first really concrete indication of it. Before, it was just a feeling.
Is it OK and reasonable to tell her that I need to be able to need??? I feel it so strongly and am so sure that I'll never open up more if things continue as they are. And maybe I need to find out if she'll do therapy according to her old message, and stop seeing her if she won't. I just KNOW that's why I'm not talking. I know it. And we're both just going to continue getting more frustrated if I stay and she won't change.
I have some big fears about saying it. Of course, I'm afraid she'll say she's already all she can and I'll need to move on. The very idea makes me weep. But, there's really nothing magic about her. I don't need her or anyone to help me survive life; but, I do need someone to help me survive the telling. It doesn't have to be her, though. As hard as it is to admit, it could probably be anyone who is open to my need surrounding it all. The other big fear is that she'll try to tell me that my need is wrong or bad....that I'm "needy" in the most awful sense of the word.....and that anything more than what she's doing would be indulging me and making me too dependent.
So, IF this is OK (and I really need you guys to help me know if it IS), do I wait and talk about it on Tuesday, or do I write something down and take it to her on Monday so she has a chance to think it over before we talk? And if it's not OK, what do I do to make this better?
Why does this have to be so hard and painful?
poster:jammerlich
thread:771173
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/771173.html