Posted by Dinah on August 13, 2007, at 11:35:52
In reply to ***** Long, tedious and triggery *****, posted by Tamar on August 12, 2007, at 21:52:23
I'm not going to tell you you should find another therapist or leave this one. I know to my toes that sometimes the "correct" answer isn't the right one for any one person at any one time. And that decisions are usually based on what's right for a person at this time, in a pragmatic sense. There is a right time and a wrong time for everything.
I think if I were you, I would bring your post into your therapist. And maybe some responses that feel like they might help convey to him what you're trying to say. I think I would ask him to read it in its entirety, to think about it as a whole instead of jumping on particular words and phrases, and to consider it before responding.
Your post was perfect. It explained your feelings, your reactions to his behavior, and made clear that you didn't expect or need him to respond sexually to you, but rather to accept your feelings as your feelings in a therapeutic way.
You might also suggest that he seek out information on the ways therapists can respond therapeutically to clients feelings if he's uncomfortable, while acknowledging that training is sparse in the area and it isn't really his fault that he doesn't feel equipped to handle it. The APA has some materials on the topic. A video and perhaps a training guide as well. You know your therapist better than I do. My therapist would probably not take my suggestion, but he'd be amused not defensive or angry, and he'd take my point. Your therapist might be inclined to get angry or defensive, and it might not be beneficial.
In an ideal world, showing him your post would be enough to shake him up into realizing what harm he was doing.
But this is not an ideal world, and people tend to stick with the flaws they have. Your therapist was rigidly trained, and he doesn't appear willing or able to shake off that inflexibility. Honestly, I don't see that changing. Anything is possible of course.
This is entirely my own conclusions, and not based on any brilliance of any sort, but just my experiences. I find that in any relationship of any sort there comes a point where you discover that what you want and/or need and what you're getting don't really mesh. It's usually a good time to figure out strategies to change the relationship to better suit your needs. I think you've done that, and maybe you're at that point again.
What you want and need from this relationship and what you're getting and likely to get don't really mesh. It's not necessarily anyone's fault. (Although I blame the NHS training system in this case.) It's just what *is*. (At least that's my take on it. I could be completely wrong, but you've known him a year, and then some before then right?)
You have a lot of choices at this point. You can continue as you are, hoping things will change and doing your best to make him understand. You can change your response to him and hope that it will lead to changes in his behavior, perhaps.
Or you can accept that this gap will probably always be there. It might be too painful to be in the relationship where he is willing to offer less than you wish, and you might wish to leave. Or you might decide that even though what he offers is less than you need, it's better than not having him in your life, and reduce your expectations and hopes so that you don't feel like you're butting your head against a wall.
If you aren't ready to make that decision yet, you can choose to stand on the cusp of making a decision with options open in either direction but on the relatively firm footing of knowing what you're doing and choosing to do it. This makes it a choice, and empowers you in a way that not choosing doesn't. If that makes sense. I've realized this lately about my work. Yes, every decision has consequences I'm not ready to accept. But instead of being frozen by the impossibility, I'm recognizing that for now I am making the choice of balancing on the fine line of no decision.
I don't think the therapy relationship is unique in this. I think all relationships (even relationships with intangibles such as work) come to this point, perhaps time and time again. It's not fun, it s*cks, but it's reality I think.
Or I might be completely wrong and skewed in my viewpoints, which were after all forged from my own experiences. If they don't resonate, just ignore them. :) It was still a helpful exercise for me to write them down.
poster:Dinah
thread:775888
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070807/msgs/775987.html