Posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on August 23, 2007, at 13:10:06
In reply to My thoughts today, maybe trigger warnings, posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on August 23, 2007, at 6:41:47
I can't beleive I made myself laugh at that, I meant tissue, but when I wrote T-ISSUE, that was funny and I wasn't trying to be. Well anyways I used my first tissue in therapy today. Wow. I know. He even had tissues on a table next to me that I didn't notice before.
One thing that I noticed this time was this office didn't seem so big as last time. He asked me how I felt about our last session. I said I felt a warmth from him that I am not used to feeling in therapy. Wow, did I just tell him that? But it was the truth. I said I feel I will be able to work with you because of that but I had one question that could change that. And that was the question that do you believe in the 4th commandment, honor thy parents, and that the only way to be mentally healthy was to reunite with my mom. Haha, what a big question that was. Nobody ever said I asked easy questions.
He sort of talked around the issue some, trying to I think "feel" me out. He said in normal child-parent relationships that is a very good thing, it can be benificial, etc.. But then he said but you didn't have normal relastionship, and if that parent has a personality disorder or where it would be impossible to have a healthy relastionship or would endanger me emotionally or physically, then no, he doesn't believe in reuniniting.
I said good, because if you believed that and tried to convince me that was what I needed to do then, then I would walk out the door right now. He said, yah, that would be what you should do. ;-) But he did say that I need to deal with the hurt from my parents, and be alright with it from within. :-)
Well then he asked about what I wanted from therapy, I said help dealing with the past, probably with EMDR, and then I said working with someone who would know how hard that is for me, and be sensitive to it , and have patience with me because athough I have progressed quickly, some issues are harder for me, and not to expect such high expections from, Then I just started to well up when I said that at the end. He said to just let myself feel that hurt (he figured out it was my therapist) and he said stuff where I couldn't hold back the tears.
My old T didn't do that , he would use distraction instead. But my new T said to feel those words my T said to me as it pierces my heart. Damn, I just cried and cried. Then he had me think of those emotions while we did the eye movements, and I had problems at first and couldn't look at his fingers because I was just crying so hard. He said he knew I didn't want to feel it, but do it, it is right there. I followed his fingers for a long set of EMDR. I did feel some relief.
While were were doing the EMDR, he said some stuff like , remember it was about him, not you, he was only human, but you didn't do anything wrong. It was intense. But I did feel better. We talked some more about that relationship and did another set. He told me about what he thinks was going on, but he was going to be much more reserved about it because he knows my T and that fact that I am seeing him tomorrow. I said, what ? that he was a big jerk? He laughted and shook his head yes. lol
But this is where he surprised me. He told me about how it has happened before with him. Where he allowed the client to push his buttons, and reacted in a way he shouldn't have. This helped me so much to hear this because my old T disclosed about himself, but never about him being a T (probably because he was having trouble with his feelings about me). But it helped hearing on how his ego was hurt, and how it did effect him. He was wrong in what he did, and he said he learned something about that. Even after 40 years of being a T. Well we talked a bunch about T's and sensitivity and boundries and how hard it really is sometimes because they are human too. He said he has learned to keep the boundries but at the same time keep his sensitivity with his clients too. Because he belives in order to do a good job you need to be able to do both. I told him I was surprised by his honesty on this. I said I am glad to know this because it seems like the T's let the boundries get in the way where they are almost too cold like.
He told me how there are some clients you are happy to see and some you don't look forward to, because of various reasons and clients that fall in between both of those. My one professor, who was a T said this in class too, so it must be true.
He talked about how he used to do other therapy, before EMDR where the clients would be so emotional on the floor curled up in a ball and he was having them face and feel what happened to them. He said after it was all over, he wasn't sure who was hurting worse, because he felt his gut in knots over seeing the pain his client was going through, but yet he knew he was helping them, but it would hurt to see this, and having to push the client sometimes he felt like such a cruel guy. Wow. I told him I am glad to hear this because it seems like the experiences of some T's I know, that T are heartless jerks. He said he was glad then, because I as seeing T's unrealistically.
We talked more about my T ,and did a final EMDR movement where I end with a positive affirmation about myself. Mine was "I will be okay" At the end of the movement, I just said "I am okay now.". I think I am. He said we have more to work on this, but he thinks I will be in much better shape to see my old T tomorrow, he said it will probably still be hard, but he believes the work we did today will help. He was glad I was able to see him today. He also said he was glad to work with me because he knows he can really help me with my past, and he said it is even extra wonderful because he said he can help me become a very good T too. He told me I have the intelligence and the people skills and he thinks I will be a good one. That was so nice to hear. I mean it "warmed me" . Is that a feeling?
On the way out he patted me on back and said I did a good job today.Wow, I am still trying to take in the whole session. But I believe I have a good T, maybe even better than the one before, and I thought he was good too. Well I need to get my house cleaned, my stepgrandson's 2nd b-day is today. I came home and my kids cleaned up the living room and dining room plus did all the decorating for the party. What great kids they are. ;-)
Oh, I almost forgot, thank you for all your words today. You are right, it was HIM, not me. I think I will be okay.
poster:Happyflower 1 :-)
thread:777977
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070822/msgs/778084.html