Posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 7:47:46
i am alone.
friday, depression went from a 6 to a 32 (on a scale of 10).
i messed up at work...REALLY bad.i felt like a hopeless person, not able to do anything, feeling terrible already i had the radio on and heard a song that everytime i hear it, it reminds me of my friends suicide. that tipped the scales. i called T for help but it was already about 4:00. and she must not have gotten the message. even being with littleone didn't help. i was ready to go.
i probably should have gone to the hospital, but that made me feel like a failure. i couldn't. i took it moment by moment. i was trying desperately to think of a way to succeed at it (as my other attempts failed).
i then "switched' into my (1950's lady) and scrubbed the house and cooked. that helped for about four hours....then it came back.
after littleone went to bed, it got worse again. i wanted to leave the house ...
but i didn't. i drank instead. drank and took little too much xanax, to numb me. it succedded in putting me to sleep.
sat. it grew again, but came in waves. DH was out of town. i had no one to call. no one to help. i focused on littleone and tried to hold her close all day. crying off and on. then at night after she went down again, it was back and strong...instead of acting i decided to write my obituary... i think that helped.
then i did some thinking....ruminating over and over. and finally came to a conclusion that temp. has helped. i've decided i can't die until all this cr@p is out of me. meaning all the abuse. Someone needs to know about all of it otherwise it will be burried with me. and that made me mad.-it does concern me that the depressive thinking escalated so quickly. i mean last week was bad anyway, but friday at work (mess up) really tipped it, then few other straws broke me.
i was supposed to have started wellbutrin but for some reason i keep forgetting. or i get this irrational fear of taking it.i don't expect anything from you guys. i just needed to tell someone what happened.
somedays i wonder why i was even born.
poster:B2chica
thread:792116
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071022/msgs/792116.html