Posted by Daisym on January 20, 2008, at 1:55:32
...am I allowed to have all these feelings for you?" I asked this at my session on Thursday.
My therapist answered, "You can take them to your grave." It sounds funny when I write it out but the way he said it was so gentle and soft and reassuring. He believes that the more I internalize him, the stronger I'll be. He went on to say that we weren't working towards getting rid of them, we were working towards me feeling a secure attachment. He said he thinks all these feelings just go hand-in-hand with the deep work we are doing. And he knows it is hard for me when we get really close because as much as I want it, it was always so dangerous. He said this shows that I've moved from being avoidantly attached to him to being insecurely attached, which is why it is so uncomfortable right now. No kidding!
I kind of knew that but I get all twisted up about the intensity of needing to be connected. And I still can't sort out if I NEED therapy or WANT it. When I told him that, he said, "sometimes getting what we want is as important as getting what we need." All I know is that it is still hugely important to me.
It was one of those quiet, reflective sessions. I'd arrived declaring my hate for this process and for the anxiety that was up. He asked me to think about where the anxiety was coming from and if it was from opening up the stories again, did I think I could shut it down and stop telling? I said I could but the cost would be great. Going back to being numb - feels like a death sentence. He then wanted to know if anything good had come from telling -- from opening myself up to all the memories and hurt. I said I felt alive, like I matter, if only a little bit. But being alive is painful. He agreed. But he said being able to feel can be joyous too. I said it better after all this work! But mostly I'm telling about the abuse so it will end. Because if it stays a secret, it continues forever inside of me.
Mostly I think the work I'm doing is about reclaiming myself. I used to think it was about finding myself and sometimes that is still true. But more and more I think I'm working to reclaim the truth -- to allow myself to know all the things I wasn't supposed to remember and to know the parts of myself that my mother didn't like or value. I'm reclaiming the right to cry and the right to say, "I don't like that." These seem like such simply things but they haven't been for me. But the clearer I get about this, the more I seem to need that connection to my therapist. Shouldn't it be the opposite?
But for now, things have eased up a bit. I can challenge the anxiety and push away the fear of being a pain in the a## client. I still feel those waves of powerful loneliness but they are manageable. I appreciate all the advice and support from all of you. It helped a lot.
At the end of my session, my therapist said, "you've looked everywhere for the short cut, even as you are doing to work. Are you giving up looking for an easier way?"
"Hell no!" I said. If anyone out there has it, they better tell me!
poster:Daisym
thread:807854
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080114/msgs/807854.html