Posted by sunnydays on January 20, 2008, at 17:19:40
In reply to 'How long..., posted by Daisym on January 20, 2008, at 1:55:32
> My therapist answered, "You can take them to your grave." It sounds funny when I write it out but the way he said it was so gentle and soft and reassuring.
*** I love it when my T talks like that. Do you think they get special training in how to talk soft like that? My T sometimes will say when I'm upset because of something he said that his voice could be really gentle all the time, but that wouldn't push the adult part of me to change. But that there needs to be a balance of meeting the little girl's needs and pushing the adult. I don't know where I'm going with that, just something that came into my head when I read that.
He believes that the more I internalize him, the stronger I'll be. He went on to say that we weren't working towards getting rid of them, we were working towards me feeling a secure attachment.
**** What would that mean in terms of the feelings? I know that's what my T and I are working on too, and I don't know exactly what that means. I guess that I can have the feelings but not struggle with and just let them be there? And be confident that he's still there for me?
He said he thinks all these feelings just go hand-in-hand with the deep work we are doing. And he knows it is hard for me when we get really close because as much as I want it, it was always so dangerous. He said this shows that I've moved from being avoidantly attached to him to being insecurely attached, which is why it is so uncomfortable right now. No kidding!
**** Yeah really! I think I'm insecurely attached to my T as well. It didn't help me when I read a book for a class that described that attachment style as 'obnoxious', but my T and I talked about it and he said he just sees the struggle as part of the process for me. That it's normal and that while it's really hard for me, it's perfectly all right and acceptable.
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> I kind of knew that but I get all twisted up about the intensity of needing to be connected. And I still can't sort out if I NEED therapy or WANT it. When I told him that, he said, "sometimes getting what we want is as important as getting what we need." All I know is that it is still hugely important to me.**** Well.....that just means you're not 'done' yet! And I struggle with those same feelings of whether I can really want things from my T and whether it's ok to get those things if I don't really NEED them. And I think that wants and needs are very closely intertwined when talking about the psyche. A want may be something that we don't need to keep functioning in daily life, but it's something we need to allow us to trust and feel safe and to grow and change. So in that way, a lot of wants are actually needs I think. If that makes any sense.
I said I felt alive, like I matter, if only a little bit. But being alive is painful. He agreed. But he said being able to feel can be joyous too. I said it better after all this work! But mostly I'm telling about the abuse so it will end. Because if it stays a secret, it continues forever inside of me.
**** I'm proud of you. It's so hard to talk about these things, and you're doing it. A lot of people don't have the courage even to do that. And I hate being called brave, so I hesitate to say this, but I do think you're really brave. This is such a challenging process and I think we're going deeper into it than a lot people - a lot of people back out way before they get into this stuff. But we're making our way through, despite the difficulty. My T said I say things that he has never had another client say, like that I love him, and that he's never worked this deeply before with a client on their feelings about the process, that most people just aren't willing to talk about that. So I think we are doing a really huge thing, but one that can potentially be sooo healing. I should probably tell my T at some point that he asked me once how I felt about him in the first three or four sessions and that was one of the reasons I told him later on... I now think he just meant whether we were a good fit or not since I was barely talking at that point, but the question stuck with me because I was already seeing him as someone really important in my life.
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> Mostly I think the work I'm doing is about reclaiming myself. I used to think it was about finding myself and sometimes that is still true. But more and more I think I'm working to reclaim the truth -- to allow myself to know all the things I wasn't supposed to remember and to know the parts of myself that my mother didn't like or value. I'm reclaiming the right to cry and the right to say, "I don't like that." These seem like such simply things but they haven't been for me. But the clearer I get about this, the more I seem to need that connection to my therapist. Shouldn't it be the opposite?***** Nope. My therapist says that a ton of anxiety comes up when we get closer and closer to the truth about ourselves, to the parts of ourselves that are most essential, the parts where we realize we were not to blame and that we have the right to take back control of our lives and live them the way we want. And that it's much more comfortable for some parts to stay stuck in the awful feelings we've had for so long. So they resist, and all this anxiety and angst comes up. And those are times when we particularly need someone to lean on, someone to support us and to validate for us that we are moving in the right direction. My T calls it moving toward being more 'empowered', but that's such a therapist-y word that I really don't like it.
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> At the end of my session, my therapist said, "you've looked everywhere for the short cut, even as you are doing to work. Are you giving up looking for an easier way?"
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> "Hell no!" I said. If anyone out there has it, they better tell me!**** And if someone tells you, you better publish a book so everyone can know! :) Your T sounds very wise and caring. I'm glad you have him to support you.
sunnydays
P.S. When I had just started therapy, I found this board, and reading your posts (probably about three years ago) really inspired me to keep going to therapy and keep trying because I was so impressed with the work you were doing and with the responses you got from your therapist. It helped me believe that when I opened up I could get some of those same sorts of responses. Thank you.
poster:sunnydays
thread:807854
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080114/msgs/807985.html