Posted by FindingMyDesire on October 7, 2008, at 22:57:26
In reply to Re: Bad place, bad place (miscarriage TMI) + LONG » FindingMyDesire, posted by antigua3 on October 7, 2008, at 7:28:16
On Sunday I had left her a very, very brief message giving her a heads up that I had miscarried. I knew when she checked messages on Tuesday (today) that she would probably call. I was totally prepared not to answer because I was (am) still in such a hurt/angry/crazy state. I wanted to withhold - as if that hurts her more than it hurts me! haha
Last night I went a little out of my head. I never slept - not one wink. Everyone else seemed to be being kept up by me. My partner acted frustrated that I wouldn't take the lead with our kid (who was crying) and I just lost it. I mean in a terrible way. I threw some things (no one saw me) and stomped around yelling at my partner about how she just hasn't been there for me through this. Then I even yelled at my kid for crying. (I never do that!) It was so terrible. I just hated myself afterward. They were both crying. I don't think I've ever felt that gross about myself. I won't tell you what I thought about the rest of the night...
This morning I apologized and had a long talk with my daughter (who's 4 so you know...) but I think everyone is OK. My daughter told me it wasn't OK to yell and that my slamming things had scared her. Wow, she's so amazing... even though I know she should never have to say those words to a parent at least I know she isn't afraid to... right? Of course I told her she was right and that I would do my best not to do it again.
Anyway, when the phone rang today I knew it was my T and I picked up anyway despite my plan to erase all of my needs and never talk to her again... I guess my desperation won out in the moment. Of course just hearing her loving and supportive words had such a huge impact on me. It's just so baffling how that can be so! How have I instilled so much power in her that I think she can make or break me? That she actually could make or break me at this point!
She offered a session on the phone which I refused. I knew the physical separation would only make me shut down and feel more furious at her. But it meant so much to me that she offered. Then she tried to find a time between now and Thursday to see me. That didn't work out but again I appreciated it. I heard myself thank her one too many times and I think I said "sorry" several times to her - for what I don't know. It's like I instantly forgot just how mad and hurt I feel about her having been gone when I needed her most.
So, I think I have decided I will still share my writings with her. Several of you suggested I take a version of my previous post. I have that and more. I have journal entries from the whole time she was gone - from when I was feeling the love that led to the fantasies about her to an entry a couple of days ago where I'm enraged at her lack of care and trickery! She missed it all so I think she will have to catch up!
I'm *trying* to look at this from a curious standpoint. It's an opportunity for me to learn something about myself and my patterns, right? What happened for me to get to a place of self-hatred and rage because she was not here for me? What would she have suggested I do to stay connected to her? Why do I cut myself off when I most need to stay connected? (Why do I romantically attach myself to straight women?)
I've got a whole list of other questions for her. I hope to have the guts to stay with my plan and walk in there and show them to her. I don't think I have ever expressed anger directly about her. Of course it's anger about a lot of people. (I made a list of them too - past and present!) For one, my own mother (who I'm supposedly close to) hasn't even called to check on me since finding out Friday that I was going to have to induce miscarriage over the weekend. There is content for a whole session right there!
Again I want to thank everyone who posted back to me. This has kept me engaged so that I have not fallen totally into the rabbit hole. OK, maybe I did last night but first thing this morning another Babblemail came (this one from Lemonaide) checking in... you all are so great!
FMD
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:855824
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/856330.html