Posted by FindingMyDesire on October 10, 2008, at 16:04:21
In reply to Re: Bad place, bad place (miscarriage TMI) + LONG » FindingMyDesire, posted by turtle on October 5, 2008, at 21:27:24
Dear Turtle: I really wanted to say how much I appreciated your very thoughtful post and what you shared about being a lesbian. I can feel so alone and challenged by my own internalized homophobia it's unbearable sometimes. I can't believe how much I can hate myself even though I came out 20 years ago this week! It was so helpful to have someone understand the unique challenge that can bring to therapy.
So, THANK YOU so much!
UPDATE:
I got to see my T yesterday and I was very curious about my reaction. It was actually an unusual state to find myself in - looking at myself in an interested and curious way.
I was totally experiencing two extreme emotions at once while I sat across from her. Total terror and intense joy. Plus, all of the debilitating hurt/anger just faded away the instant I saw her. I actually wondered to myself, 'how is that possible?' If I can feel so radically different when she is here vs. gone, what is really going on for me?
Anyway, I took all of my journal entries from the three weeks she was gone - unedited. It was like handing her the inside of my head and heart. I was scared, but surprisingly not as scared as I thought I would be. As a matter of fact, I think I trust her way more than I thought. But then if that's true - why did I absolutely lose my mind while she was gone? Why? I was ready to "break up with her." I want to figure this out. I want to learn about this so that I can take better care of myself.
She was so GREAT. She reassured me where I needed it and just took witness where I needed that. And despite my fears about scaring her off with my expressed anger, hurt, desire, sexual fantasies, intense attachment, etc. - she did not go away at all. Quite the opposite.
I included a whole list of questions for her - which I do not generally admit I have. I'm hoping we can discuss more of those tomorrow when I get to see her again. She said we could have a whole year's worth of content from this. I just hope she'll be around for that year...
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:855824
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/856782.html