Posted by Dory on February 8, 2009, at 1:00:41
In reply to Re: Developmental stages in therapy » antigua3, posted by DAisym on February 7, 2009, at 23:50:24
dear Daisy...
you know... you are one of justa few peeps I'd ever read or post for. You were special to me here because of your honest and genuine seeking. Your posts are so heart-felt. Be proud of yourself, many wander their journey for eons, still tramping down the same path going around and around... and never reach the depths you have. You T has always sounded brilliant and wonderful and your relationship with him is moving.
we *have* to struggle with these fears and projections on our T's or we don't move forward. Our main sources of comfort, love and safety were somehow taken away, threatened, neglectful or worse... and the legacy is mistrust. Remember.. you try to peer into the world of say, a 4yr old you, but with the eyes of who you are now.. with your sum knowledge and understanding. But that 4yr old you didnt have all that wisdom. So.. for one, the 4 yr old can't be blamed for "not getting it" or for doing it "wrong" or for the myriad of sins you blame yourself for internally. You know intellectually it is never a child's fault and i am guessing you mean the trauma, but remember that a young child will also internalize a loss of safety/protection/love as being their fault as well. They cant see it any other way... their brains havent grown enough for them to have perspective.
i was hard on myself recently too... for being mad at T, for mistrusting him... again. But i thought a lot about what he said about it and i realized it was the good times that really shook my boat... the "good" sessions and good feelings and all that stuff that i crave. Why? Because... i'm not supposed to have it, remember? i dont deserve any of that and if anyone finds out they will quickly remedy the situation. i am very hesitant to acknowledge anything good i get from him bc i am sure it is an arrogant mistake on my part and i'd be stupid to let him become aware of my assumptions. Now the bad sessions and bad feelings i am very vocal about... because they uphold my life-long theories and i can shout SEE!? i KNEW it... you are like the rest. Then the heart break sets in.
it's a horrible cycle but it gets inched forward every time it happens.
much peace
> I think what I'm beginning to see is that the major fears I have - looking stupid, being made a fool of, not being perfect and being left come in to play at every developmental stage. The issue might be different - or the memory - but all the feelings are the same. So I guess this truly is going around and around the same stuff in different ways.
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> I think that going deeper does create new trust problems. It is impossible to not hold our therapists at least somewhat responsible for the pain - although I think they hurt too. I too, want to stamp my feet and say, "I was done with that."
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> I think I want to be special so my therapist won't abandon me. It isn't all that, but if I'm special, he won't just leave. And I think (I find myself sweating as I type this) that I might have some fantasy that if I can be special to someone as kind as my therapist, it will absolve me of my part in all the ugliness. My brain knows it is never the kid's fault. But somewhere deep inside me is a shame that remains undiminished - hidden very deep but like a cancer in remission - it is a ticking time bomb.
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> There's more but I have to stop writing now. But know always how much I appreciate your support. And never, ever feel like you haven't reached out. You always have. Babble is a lot like therapy - if you don't speak up people can't know you are hurting.
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poster:Dory
thread:878656
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878853.html