Posted by workinprogress on February 14, 2009, at 12:05:11
In reply to Re: Therapy is so not linear- but I wish it was... » workinprogress, posted by Sharon7 on February 14, 2009, at 11:47:35
Hi Sharon. Thanks for following up and your encouraging words... I do appreciate it.
What I was trying to say in my original post was that I was frustrated to be back in the place of feeling obsessive and uncomfortable about the transference... after seemingly have gotten through it. My intense yearning had kicked in again (though I think it's chilled out a bit again) when I wrote.
T and I talk about our relationship, my love for her, my desire to crawl into her lap, my wish to go home with her, my desire to be her "only child", my jealousy of her kids.... all of that, very frequently. You are so right, it is so very helpful to find that your T is ok with it. I too was very afraid of rejection, so I know it's a big deal to finally open up that can of worms. I can tell you are very proud of yourself and excited to open up this new piece in your relationship. You should be! What is important to know is that this relationship, your connection to your T, is the FOUNDATION of the work. And, as my T told me, not many people are brave enough to take that risk and go there. So, you should be very proud of yourself, I'm proud of you... and me... and so many babblers who've done so!
I think my post was about... well, going back to feeling some intense yearning, obsessing, and fear that I had thought I had finally crested. It started a little over a year ago when I first started recognizing the feelings, then about a year ago I talked to her for the first time, and until this fall kinda couldn't get her out of my head. It made me crazy. Last week felt like I was back there. And I was, but it's less permanent now. And I think I go back most intensely when something hard is going on for me. Guess that's when I really "need my mommy"??
Anyway, keep up the good work. It does feel so good to let them in, but it is very scary!
Take care...
WIP
> Hi WIP. Thanks for your encouraging words. It was so nice to hear from you. You are very welcome. I hope today will be a good day for you. Happy Valentine's Day.
>
> I read your original post again, and was again, struck by just how similar your feelings 'were' (very key) to mine up until about a week ago. I had somewhat of a breakthrough with mine this week. You may have seen my post from the 11th. I went back to see her on the 13th and that was also very productive. I plan to send a separate post talking about that, but I'll share some of it here with you now in case it might make you feel better.
>
> Question: Have you and your T had a frank conversation about 'transference?' If not, let me tell you, being able to have this conversation with her on Tuesday and having similar positive results on Friday, has relieved a tremendous amount of anxiety for me. I was just as worried as you are, probably. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to discuss any of that with her, because I don't know how to talk about my feelings (at least not verbally,) because I'm embarrassed by them. I think once we know that our T's don't think our feelings are stupid, embarrassing, are going to cause her to run screaming out of the room, it's actually quite liberating. I had written her all about this already early on, and I'm sure my behavior probably even made the letters unnecessary. I won't even try to get anything over on her. She's way too smart. (okay. I confess. Yes, I will still try. lol.) Anyway, when I used to mail or fax those letters, they would be followed by an EXTREME negative emotional reaction on my part (obviously on my part! lol!) because then it was left up to my imagination to figure out what she must have thought after reading them. Being able to have this discussion with her face-to-face, I was able to see immediately how it was received, and like I told my T yesterday, she responded to it perfectly. She was so understanding and so kind. She does not want to kick me to the curb because I need her to be a mother-figure to me now. She made me feel so much better about all of this, and I've sort of been on cloud 9 ever since. Oh, I know on the path to recovery, I'll vascillate between times of feeling safe and secure and feeling alone and scared. It's amazing what a difference feeling secure with my T seems to have made to my outlook on life, energy, mood, and even the need to fuel/feed my addictions. I know I'll need to be reassuranced again at some point, and I know I haven't fueled/fed my addictions for the last time either. But you have to start somewhere I suppose. Let's see how long this euphoria last! lol! If only I/we could somehow manage to stay constantly assured that they aren't going to leave us no matter what I /we say. It's something to shoot for. (o:
>
> Well, I gotta run. You take care now. I sure can go on, huh? **blush**
>
> (((((WIP)))))
>
> Sharon
poster:workinprogress
thread:879225
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090214/msgs/880087.html