Posted by petunia on February 20, 2009, at 16:44:36
In reply to Re: Q about appropriate t questions (possibly trigger) » petunia, posted by sassyfrancesca on February 20, 2009, at 10:17:08
Wow... I am so amazed. Thank you so much for all your responses and goodwill. And hugs!!! I'm so used to going it alone that I forget how kind people can be. Thank you all so much.
*possible triggers below*
To answer a couple things directly, I've been in EMDR for about a year, and it has been incredibly good.
The things that were driving my reactions and triggers were not anything I remembered, and the tiny bit I did remember was more like a knowing that something had happened, and maybe a tiny bit of a picture (someone's sleeve, or the color of the carpet for example) never enough to grab hold of consciously and work with. So EMDR has been wonderful in reconstructing those and bringing them to the surface.
You're right about the desensitization being way too much for some people -- I cannot imagine having had what little I did remember shoved in my face at full emotional intensity. My disorder did that anyway, with all the intrusive thoughts and pictures, and by the time I got help I could not have stood it anymore.
For me, EMDR is perfect, because I get to choose how much I share of what I see, and it comes out when it's safe to come out. The memories themselves can be overwhelming, but it's not a third party making me do it. Having a third party rub my face in something horrific is just waaaaaay too close to some other things, you know?
A little background: I remembered a little bit of CSA when I was in my early twenties, thought I was nuts, but was fortunate enough to encounter a counselor who not only knew I wasn't nuts but helped me to confirm it to my own satisfaction and deal with it. I am now in my forties. So a lot of it I had already been dealing with *in the abstract* for some twenty years -- not having memories, but knowing that these things did occur and dealing with them as they came up whether I could actively remember anything specific or not.
But what this guy never got around to letting me tell him is that I haven't remembered anything of a sexual nature in years. What I have remembered more recently has been of a physical/psychological terror nature. In his questioning, he whizzed right through the physical abuse but stopped the train altogether at the sexual aspect. I was completely shocked -- not only because of his incredible intrusiveness but because it simply had not been relevant to me for many years, at least not in a in-your-face PTSD trigger kind of way. If he had done the same sort of questioning regarding the physical abuse it would have been every bit as bad. What I didn't realize until late last night was that the way he was questioning me made me feel as though I was having to answer to him for my father's sins, and how inadequate my response to them was. It was like I was suddenly sitting in a courtroom, on trial. Now, how much of that is transference and how much is counter-transference, I'll probably never know. :)
I really don't think he gets it. But what matters more is whether or not he is willing to.
I talked with another person today, and she said everything you guys said. :) Basically, do what you have to do but don't ignore it, stand your ground, erect definite boundaries, and if he can't or won't acknowledge his actions and their effect on me... leave.
When I posted, I expected to get maybe one or two brief answers. Y'all have made my day, you don't know how much, just by listening and caring. You are so incredible. Blessings to every one of you --
Petunia
poster:petunia
thread:881155
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090214/msgs/881345.html