Posted by petunia on February 23, 2009, at 11:17:24
In reply to Re: Q about appropriate t questions (possibly trigger) » petunia, posted by Poet on February 22, 2009, at 14:26:13
I decided to go back this morning and confront the guy. He needed to know and I need the practice. :)
But I swear it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Even though I knew in my head that he has no power over me, even though I knew that there was no further harm he could inflict, even though I knew I never had to see him again, none of that really seemed to matter. I guess that's why I knew I needed to go, because I need to be able to deal with threatening situations and this was as good an opportunity as any.
If I hadn't felt up to it, I wouldn't have, but I felt like I could. I had already decided that whatever came of such a meeting, it was worth the price of admission (getting the opportunity to tell an abusive person "no") and that freed me up a lot. If I had been attached to the outcome at all I don't think I could have done this. By the time the weekend was over the power this situation had in my heart and in my head was *immense*, and I knew it was the disorder and I had to confront it, though that didn't make it feel any less real. Cognitive dissonance in full bloom.
So I got myself all dosed up (legally :) and girded up my loins and marched in there feeling like I was gonna pass out, but determined to go through with it. He started talking, and I said, "Before we start, we need to have a little chat." And I laid it out for him.
(This is where y'all deserve mad props, because I borrowed a LOT of your phrasing from these posts -- thanks!)
I started out by asking, "Are you aware that you triggered my disorder on Thursday with all of that direct questioning about the sexual abuse?" He said, "I knew I was triggering a very strong emotional response...?" And replied, "Yes, that and my disorder as well." I went on to explain just what he had done. I told him why it was unnecessary and why I thought it was wrong, I pointed out that there is no therapeutic use for such questioning, I told him I felt like I was being grilled on the stand in a courtroom as though it was my place to answer for the sins of my abuser, etc. I added that if no doesn't mean no and stop doesn't mean stop, we could not hope to accomplish anything and I did not desire to move forward with treatment.
I'm not sure he was really hearing me until I said, "Are you aware that if you had pulled that six months ago, I would have simply gone home and killed myself? You have NO idea what you unleash when you stomp on a trigger like you did on Thursday." I don't think he realized it really was that serious.
Dude apologized. Sincerely and fully, not just a lame, "I'm sorry you took it that way." We kept on chatting, and it was as if the lights went on for him. He wasn't just kissing my *ss, either -- I didn't feel that he was, plus he had no reason to because I wasn't coming back.
So we kept chatting, and I started to reconsider. I didn't snatch him baldheaded, but I did flat out tell him the unvarnished truth about everything, and he was very humble about it. He apologized multiple times, actually.
Since he didn't seem to have done it knowingly, and he owned up to it and kept on listening even when I was holding his feet to the fire, I asked him if he would be willing to continue on, and he said yes, and we laid out some ground rules. I told him, "I so did not expect this to turn out this way; I came here for the practice. I figured I'd say my little bit and you'd tell me 'have a nice day,'" (I was flipping a bird when I said this, as though that would have been his 'have a nice day' to me). And he said, "I'm almost sorry you didn't get to tell me off like you wanted to!"
So we're good. It's not perfect, but if he's sincere and he can hear a no when I say no, it'll work. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I am so glad I did.
I could not have done it without your help. Every single response gave me more courage (and ammo :) with which to address it. You all validated both options (sticking around for therapy or walking away) which helped me own my freedom to do either. You all helped me craft a VERY strong approach and helped give me the strength to do it by being so honest and sharing your own experiences. So this victory is every bit as much yours as it is mine -- enjoy it! And thank you again!!!
Petunia
poster:petunia
thread:881155
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090214/msgs/881896.html