Posted by workinprogress on July 24, 2009, at 0:59:03
Hey there all. So, I've had "re-entry", back from my two month stint away from home, more importantly T. I saw her twice during that time and we did two videoconferences. I got to the point while I was away that I felt really secure in our relationship, I knew she was there for me no matter what. I knew she would be there when I got back...
But when I got back, it sucked. I felt so small and needy. I felt like I had backtracked a thousand miles. I felt like I would NEVER EVER be able to let her go. AND I WAS SURE SHE WAS PULLING AWAY!!! I asked her if she was, if there was some therapeutic reason she was moving me on... pushing me... She said no, that she wasn't any different, the same as when I left. We finally figured out, after a couple of weeks, that it was me (holding back because for a while it was possible that I'd have to leave again), not her...
But, I did grow while I was away... A LOT. I was on that precipice of growth before I left. Now I'm here. The reality is that I need my T's "training wheels" less. I can figure out a lot on my own now, I don't need her as much. That scares the sh*t out of me. I feel caught in this adolescent place of wanting to grow and learn, but not wanting to leave the comfort and safety of what I have with my T... I don't want it to change. I want to still be able to be "small" with her. I still might need her lap...
In my house, I had to grow up fast (like many here I'm sure)... and there was no going back to anyone's lap... So, finally, we've figured out that the change has been me (holding back for fear of leaving again) and resisting being me and growing, because I'm afraid to lose her "lap". Has anyone had that experience, struggled with growth, not wanting to "grow up". What happened? How did you move through it? How has your relationship grown and changed with your T as you've passed through developmental milestones? Have you been able to go back to being "small"? even after "growing up"?
Does this make sense to anyone? I'm really afraid to lose what we have...
WIP
poster:workinprogress
thread:908278
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090706/msgs/908278.html