Posted by workinprogress on October 20, 2009, at 23:35:29
In reply to Re: feeling needy » workinprogress, posted by Dinah on October 20, 2009, at 8:26:35
Dinah,
Thanks so much for your response. I'm sure you're right. I do realize that the reason this was so hard for me is really about fear of abandonment and rejection from her. It isn't what she said, but all I heard is "you're too needy with me". That doesn't fit with other things she's said, but it does fit with all my fears and concerns. So I went there unconsciously. I'm in a better space now, but we have an appointment to talk tomorrow and it will be really nice to have her reassurance on that count.
I know I can't change others... I've been way better about changing my expectations. I just can't get past the fact that something's inherently wrong with me because of my needs... getting closer, but not past. Sigh...
> I think that what she was saying was about acceptance, not about judging you for your needs. And she was talking about your friends, not about your relationship with her.
>
> How much you need someone is how much you need someone; it just is and it's not really good or bad.
>
> Recognizing that there are times when those needs can be met and times when they won't be met is a separate matter. In therapy, your therapist has been clear on what needs she can meet. With your friends, it is something that depends on each individual relationship, each friend's boundaries and desire for closeness. It is only partially up to you, and the rest is totally beyond your power to change. Needing others more won't cause them to fill those needs. It hurts less to realistically test the boundaries, and to acknowledge the limits of each relationship. It's a matter of pragmatics.
>
> Therapy is not friendship. And those same boundaries that smart so much when we run into them protect us in other ways.
poster:workinprogress
thread:921634
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090907/msgs/921756.html