Posted by Dinah on April 14, 2013, at 10:31:59
In reply to Dependency on T, posted by mmealltalk on March 22, 2013, at 21:59:23
I understand your feelings. I've been with my therapist in times when he's been going through stuff, and he was clearly less emotionally available to me. He tried, but he was drowning himself.
I suppose there were two alternatives available to him when he wasn't able to be the therapist I needed. One was to admit it and tell me he couldn't see me. The other was to also admit it, and do the best he could with me until his life settled down and he was able to be himself.
And I had a couple of choices (possibly more that I didn't see). I could decide he couldn't provide what I needed and stop seeing him either temporarily or permanently. Or I could decide that I would hope that I would wait it out and suffer the pain of misattunement until he could again be the therapist he used to be with me, and the fear that he might never be. I used both choices over time. I guess maybe things never got back entirely to where they once were. Not so much because he permanently changed - he didn't - but because I permanently recognized his humanity, and accepted that he couldn't necessarily really be there for me when I needed him. That he was a person too, doing the best he could. And that sometimes that best wasn't really good enough.
Maybe it was a healthy change in our relationship, in that it's more grounded on reality. But I really miss the days when, whatever my brain said, I still believed that my therapist mommy could make it all better.
She's being there for you as best she can. It isn't enough for what you need. Both of you may be frustrated by that, and maybe that's why she sees the anger. Because to some extent, she feels frustration too - that you don't see that she's doing her best. Maybe it would be helpful for both of you to bring up the frustration that might lie on each side? The feelings of being misunderstood that lie on each side? Don't make it about her of course. It's your time, not hers, but it might help to address the elephant in the room that's interfering with therapy.
poster:Dinah
thread:1040912
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20130309/msgs/1042149.html