Posted by antigua2013 on April 24, 2013, at 2:31:53
I have been fuming since it took me 2 hrs to write the post and try to get it posted. In the meantime, I lost my post so I've lost the essence of what I am feeling.
I haven't posted in a long time, but for those who do remember me, I had a fantastic female therapist and a male psychiatrist that I was fighting with all the time in my attempt to make him care for me, and hence understand me. That has been a difficult struggle.
I haven't seen my T in 2 years. We decided that I needed to work with my male psychiatrist to work through the male issues that I could never work through with her. I left her knowing that she was there for me, and i did go back several times for a reality check. Each time she was great.
i learned this week through a dr that my T recommended that my T is dying. I'm devastated beyond belief. I had always told her I that I would write a book about her experiences and I was actually working on the edits in the waiting room when my dr. told me.
Devastated doesn't even begin to cover it. How can I explain what she meant to me? She made me feel special and loved, and I certainly wouldn't be surprised if her other patients felt the same way about her. I wanted to feel that love and she always provided it, with hugs and "I love you"s each time we parted. We left on good terms and no matter what, I always have her in my heart, with me, as I still grapple with my problems. I won't lie. I knew something was wrong with her when we parted--her short-term memory made her call me 4 times in a single day to verify an appointment, but being on the outside I didn't know who to tell. My dr. told me that her early dementia was duly noted by those who love her, so i know she is being cared for. But it's not dementia, but cancer that is taking her away too soon.
I did the only thing I could do. I came home and wrote a loving letter to her, or her daughter, I wasn't really sure who it was for--all I knew is that my T was very ill. It sounds silly but my purpose was for her daughter to see that her mother was an amazing therapist (she is going into the same field) and how she had the amazing ability to connect, console, and inspire everyone she worked with. I don't think my letter is the only she will receive.
I also know that my T was not perfect, and she wouldn't want me to remember her that way. As hard as it is to do, I loved her for who she was, not just the good mother of my fantasies.
This all led to an interesting corollary of pure hatred toward my psychiatrist, who i still see. We are almost done with therapy, but my heart breaks knowing that he doesn't care for me the way she did. It was never meant to be, and understanding that so many of my unfulfilled needs can never be met by another, doesn't deaden the pain. Too bad he wasn't as caring and loving as she was. It's easy to correlate the word loving with her; compassion and empathy are barely in my psychiatrist's vocabulary.
Perhaps I've wasted a few years with him. All i do know is that I will never enter this mine field again with any other. My time is done. My T was the best and taught me all I needed to know. My pdoc tried to finish the job, and he did in his own way but not with the love and support my T provided.I love you, my T, and may you find peace.
antigua
poster:antigua2013
thread:1042571
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20130309/msgs/1042571.html