Posted by Penny on May 24, 2002, at 7:38:26
Okay, here I go again. Back downhill, and quickly. Thought I was doing better, but was feeling highly self-destructive last night. Tried to cut myself. Say I 'tried' b/c I didn't actually do it, but I did go so far as to run the knife over my arm. Have a nice little pink line to show for it. I can't even do that right...
Thought seriously about taking all of my pills...and I have a lot of them. Thought about stabbing myself, but didn't. Was trying to go two weeks without seeing my pdoc again (have seen him every week over the last two and a half months), but looks like I need to drop in on him today too.
Didn't sleep well last night. Very jittery feeling. Skipped my meds last night too. Just didn't want to take them.
I'm falling apart and this is not a good time to be doing that. My job ends on June 30, so I'm looking for a new job and that is adding to the stress. Of course, I think I must also face the fact that maybe, just maybe, I don't really want to get better. Not that I *enjoy* feeling like s**t, but I can't seem to allow myself to feel good for any length of time. At least not without doing something self-destructive.
A most hopeless Penny.
poster:Penny
thread:24487
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020523/msgs/24487.html