Posted by partlycloudy on May 16, 2005, at 8:27:53
In reply to Re: Hope it goes well... » gardenergirl, posted by partlycloudy on May 15, 2005, at 7:52:48
First of all, I want to say that as draining as the day was, it was a very positive and empowering experience for me. A lot of ground was covered in 8 hours.
As I said before, I had the most dubious honour of having amassed the least amount of sobriety in the room of about 100 women. Most of the women had 5 years or more of sobriety. All were active in AA and in following the steps. The familiar cliches were repeated time and again. I never stopped flinching each time I'd hear them. Guess I have to "get over" that. I did know that going into the conference, but I'm surprised at how much the AA-speak annoyed me! I guess that's the rebel in partlycloudy (never knew I had one of those lurking).Subjects covered included the role of spirituality, the importance of listening to stories of long-term sobriety; art therapy, increasing self awareness, separating the self from the disease of alcoholism; it went on and on. Each of the speakers' messages were heartfelt and sincere. Each of them are recovering alcoholics.
During the morning I was so nervous and unsure of myself. I kind of kept my head down and wrote lots of notes. After lunch I loosened up a bit and that's when the tears started to flow. I still haven't overcome the shame and guilt I feel as a result of my inability to stay sober on my own. It's not that I don't want or seek help - I am as determined as any other sick person in wanting to get and stay well. Add to that is the first hand knowledge of how much worse my depression is after I've had a drink, and that just adds to my guilt. I know *exactly* what I'm doing when I've had a drink, how it will affect me the next day, how my head will ache for hours; yet that knowledge hasn't stopped me and kept me sober for very long. So the tears come and come and they just don't stop.
The warmth and energy from this group of women was palpable and also made me cry. Every hug, every pat on my hand or my back made me feel so very undeserving of their well wishes and love. I haven't yet learned how to separate the person I am from the disease I have - to me they are still one and the same.
I am going to attend a Women in Sobriety group meeting this evening to see how it goes. This battle is too much for me to take on by myself. But going to a meeting I'm comfortable with; finding a sponsor, and getting a healthier pattern of behaviour will help me get better.
pc
poster:partlycloudy
thread:496811
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20050506/msgs/498416.html