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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by raisinb on June 9, 2008, at 9:42:01
I can't figure out whether to leave or stay, so I just keep rescheduling :) Some days I am 90% sure that I want to leave; other days I just can't imagine how I will get along without my therapist and I want to call or go running back. I have names of other therapists that I can start with (thank you, people who babblemailed me some), but I am having a hard time getting started on that.
I have been hoping the answer will become clear in time, but maybe it is unrealistic to expect to be 100% sure of one alternative or the other? Does anyone who has had to make this decision have wisdom?
Posted by Dinah on June 9, 2008, at 10:29:49
In reply to extended my break again, posted by raisinb on June 9, 2008, at 9:42:01
I doubt it is ever possible to be a hundred percent sure of anything.
If you're reasonably sure your problems with her aren't issues from your past, and it sounds like you are, why don't you take the next step and call someone else or make an appointment elsewhere to test the waters. Unless your current therapist has a rule about that and would consider it grounds for termination, it isn't a final decision.
Posted by Nadezda on June 9, 2008, at 10:30:48
In reply to extended my break again, posted by raisinb on June 9, 2008, at 9:42:01
Hi, raisinb.
Sometimes things don't become clear, because you aren't clear about what you want to do. Ambivalence can sometimes be a real internal conflict out of which no clear, releasing answer will just miraculously flow.
If you're stuck right now-- and can't feel good about going back-- you can't move on, either. And that could be a bad place to stay too long.
My intuition is that you need to go back and work this through-- even if it is to some ending. I wonder if you will end, though. Maybe you're not ready, even if she isn't the T you need.
But maybe-- I don't know-- there's something more to learn. If she is as uncaring as you think, you need to face it provisionally-- long enough to get through it and to work with someone else-- even if it's on the pain of that, at first.
To go forward, maybe you have to go back to her-- putting this off doesn't seem to move you forward, to an answer or to new things. If you're afraid you'll get stuck back with her-- still, you aren't ready to change, or I think you would have done so. Or you need to try to find a new T, and just let her go, but, without waiting to be released from whatever connection pulls you back.
These are just my thoughts, and I admit I don't understand your whole situation, but I do sense that avoidance might protect you from a painful reimmersion-- but it keeps you in limbo-- which isn't what you need.
Nadezda
Posted by Dinah on June 9, 2008, at 10:55:52
In reply to extended my break again, posted by raisinb on June 9, 2008, at 9:42:01
I think Nadezda has a point.
I'm chronically indecisive. As awful as it is not to be able to decide what to do, making a decision means losing whatever it is I didn't choose. The road not taken.
If it isn't as chronic a condition with you as it is with me, it might be a better flag of unfinished business with your therapist.
Posted by Phillipa on June 9, 2008, at 11:50:42
In reply to Re: extended my break again, posted by Dinah on June 9, 2008, at 10:55:52
Sounds a bit like mine. She extends the break to see what will happen and I do more and then fall back so is it the therapist that helps or do we just help ourselves? I can't figure this out. Is it like that with you too? Love Phillipa
Posted by raisinb on June 9, 2008, at 15:47:26
In reply to Re: extended my break again, posted by Dinah on June 9, 2008, at 10:55:52
No, I'm chronically indecisive, too. My pattern in relationships like this is to kick and scream and cause fights, until the other person dumps me. This has obviously not worked with her, so I have to take the responsibility for the decision, and it is hard. Neither option seems right. I don't feel right about leaving, and I do not feel right about going back.
My issues with her *are* issues from my past. However, she often makes them worse instead of helping me work through them. Her responses to me frequently trigger me, rather than providing a stable, safe place to explore how I feel.
Lately, I often feel that this struggle is really a struggle with myself--that she's just some kind of conduit I'm trying to use. I don't know if that makes sense. But I wonder if I should confront the fact that getting her to care enough is not going to do it, and maybe I should just skip the middleman. Or is that just more of my avoidance and counterdependent behavior?
Posted by raisinb on June 9, 2008, at 15:48:42
In reply to Re: extended my break again, posted by Nadezda on June 9, 2008, at 10:30:48
That was very articulate--you do have a point. I know that I have unfinished business with her--the problem is that I do not know if finishing it is possible with her because of all the difficulties in our relationship.
I don't know that I see her as uncaring. I see her as caring about herself and her own investment in this, rather than about my wellbeing.
Posted by raisinb on June 9, 2008, at 15:50:01
In reply to Re: extended my break again, posted by Phillipa on June 9, 2008, at 11:50:42
For me, I'd say I've done all the work myself--she just provided the catalyst, because my feelings about her are so painful that I can't help but work on them, and myself in the process. I don't know if that is how it is supposed to be, though. I think it would be nice if we had some help. Of course my therapist thinks I won't let her help me.
Posted by LadyBug on June 10, 2008, at 12:51:42
In reply to extended my break again, posted by raisinb on June 9, 2008, at 9:42:01
Wow so much of what I'm reading I can relate to.
I'm in the same boat pretty much.
Do I quit? Unfinished? You bet! Stuck? Yes! Can I move on? I wish but it hurts to do it alone but working with my T hurts as well. Is our work clear? Nope, not even close. I'm so confused, I don't even know this person anymore that I've worked with for 11 years. ;o(
I know what you are facing. It seems like there is a no win situation here. When you decide what to do let me know. I'm still mad as hell at my T for the things she's said and done to me. I can't even begin to figure it out, but according her her, it's about other issues, not her. It's always my fault, never hers. She's right, I'm wrong. Always......
LadyBug
Posted by Rigby on June 10, 2008, at 17:01:23
In reply to extended my break again, posted by raisinb on June 9, 2008, at 9:42:01
Hi Raisin,
I really can relate to what you are saying. I am not in therapy, I ended a while ago but still go back here/there for some stuff. But not often.
In my case, I suspended therapy a few times because I was angry and really questioned whether it was an issue I needed to work through or if it really wasn't workable b/c of there here-and-now legitimate issues I had with my therapist every now and again.
In my case, I chose to work through things with my therapist. It was possible to do and I found it beneficial. I discovered, in the process of working through things, some interesting things about myself. Obviously, you, your situation and your therapist are all different from my scenario so your mileage could vary.
Anyway, again, for what it's worth that was my experience but I know it's a tough decision.
Posted by raisinb on June 10, 2008, at 20:29:46
In reply to Re: extended my break again, posted by Rigby on June 10, 2008, at 17:01:23
Thanks for sharing your experience, Rigby.
I'm also struggling with whether it will truly help me to work things through with my therapist, or whether I want to do it because I am so attached to her and am afraid of ending because it will be so sad and difficult for me. I don't know if the latter is a good enough reason for going back.
Posted by Rigby on June 11, 2008, at 11:14:11
In reply to Re: extended my break again » Rigby, posted by raisinb on June 10, 2008, at 20:29:46
I think one of the reasons I decided to end my therapy was because I felt that staying somewhere--anywhere--simply because it was too hard to say goodbye was not reason enough to stay. And I felt that objectively I'd accomplished some pretty major things for me.
I do think that leaving on a good note, at least for me, was important. I even spent a little bit more money than I wanted to to make this happen.
I think long term therapy is a sort of a slippery slope because you become attached and while attachment and transference are good things to work things through, it also makes leaving very, very hard. And there is a part of me that thinks that therapists are not hugely motivated to move you out and through therapy--long term clients mean a steady stream of income. It's a somewhat jaded thought but it's also realistic too. I think therapists also likely think that clients can continue to benefit from therapy when for financial, emotional and/or psychological reasons it may be best for us to move on.
I read and highly recommend that book about leaving therapy--I think it's called How To Say Goodbye To Your Therapist. The basic message is that, for the most part, you'll be *fine* and that people do fine if not better after they leave.
Posted by raisinb on June 11, 2008, at 13:06:09
In reply to Re: extended my break again, posted by Rigby on June 11, 2008, at 11:14:11
Yes, I think that's true. My therapist's motives aren't financial (she takes a pretty low fee from my insurance), but I constantly suspect that because she is so invested in this, she can't see that it's not working for me. It's also very, very hard for me to leave something I've invested so much in without working through the feelings with her.
I took the leap today and called a couple of other therapists, and if they call back, I am actually kind of looking forward to seeing them. Part of me really wants to go back to my therapist and keep struggling, but part of me is excited about what could be a new chapter, and could be something that goes deeper and does me a world of good.
Posted by raisinb on June 11, 2008, at 13:20:54
In reply to Re: extended my break again » raisinb, posted by LadyBug on June 10, 2008, at 12:51:42
Hi Ladybug--
I think your T has been pretty crappy lately :( I'm sorry for how hard it has been, and I hope you find some resolution soon.As for me, I could go either way--my mind changes daily and hourly, and my moods fluctuate accordingly. I wish I wasn't so quick to forget, emotionally, all the hurtful things she has said and done. Now that I've been gone for a month all I can do is remember her with fondness and feel affectionate gratitude for how she's thrown her whole self into my therapy, regardless of how tough it's been. I can remember the bad things intellectually, but the hurt and angry feelings fade so quickly. But I keep telling myself that those who don't remember and learn from the past are compelled to repeat it.
This is the end of the thread.
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