Posted by CareBear04 on March 31, 2005, at 14:19:23
In reply to Anorexic on the Edge, posted by narcissistic_martyr on March 27, 2005, at 20:34:01
hi there--
i can sympathize with your situation. i'm 22 and 5'5, and i've experienced the way life can fall apart when your eating goes down the toilet. my situation is a little different-- i've never had to be force fed, i don't purge, i'm not convinced i have an eating disorder, and though doctors in the hospital were set on the fact that i was an anorexic in denial, my outpatient doctors were not convinced. still, i've been very conscious of my weight since i was ten years old, and i have horrible body image so that i can see myself as fat even when i'm always underweight. i had a lot of health problems in the fall, and i was in the hospital twice. the second time, i was transferred to psych after my medical care and saw nutritionists galore to get my weight up. i had IV nutrients for awhile, and i actually would have welcomed a feeding tube because i had tears in my throat that made it so painful to swallow, but they wouldn't place the tube because it would cause more pain in my throat. for me, the most important factor in getting better has been being treated with respect and with the understanding that, while the problem may originate in the head or not, the physical implications of not eating are way serious and need to be addressed without regard to cause. when the nurses tried to pound it into my head that i was anorexic and needed to change my perceptions and sat next to me and watched me eat, i pushed food around my tray. it wasn't until the weekend attending almost took away my pass for sunday morning that someone finally got through to me. i was having huge blood pressure and pulse changes when going from lying to standing, and the dr basically said, "we're not doing this to punish you. it doesn't matter how this problem came about, what matters is that it's here now. it's just not safe or smart to be walking around with 50 point orthostatic changes." something finally made sense to me, and i ate and drank enough to get my pass the next day. but the most important thing, i think, was to get past the issue of who or what is at fault for the problem and to see that the physical complications are dangerous no matter how they came about. my psychiatrist and primary care doctor don't believe i'm anorexic, and over the past four months, they've focused not on getting into my head but just on practical improvements like getting my weight and blood pressure up and getting my electrolytes balanced. i think i appreciate this approach because it's not coercive or blame-assigning; we're all working together towards the same goal. i won't say that the weight gain has been easy. in the hospital, i gained about five pounds, and over four months, i've put on about ten more. i've had to stuff myself to being uncomfortable, and even if i know that i'm healthier and need the weight, i'm still really ambivalent about seeing the numbers go up. also, gaining 15 pounds is a huge deal, and i'm worried that i won't be able to stop the weight gain momentum and will end up not just feeling fat, but truly fat.in the hospitals, i've seen more nutritionists than i remember. they all say the same things and give me the same tips on increasing calories and gaining weight. like you, i don't really find that they help. they don't tell me anything i don't know already. what i would recommend-- what has helped me more than anything-- is to get referred to a physical therapist. i imagine that your strength has decreased as you've lost weight and that your muscles could use some building up. my weak muscles cost me a knee tear, and i didn't start PT until then, but i wish i'd started in the fall because it's been so helpful. my PT doesn't talk about weight at all; his focus is on increasing my strength and conditioning and building stronger muscles. my sessions actually make me feel good, and i come out smiling. if you're like me, with a big competetive streak, you'll find lots of exercises that push you to push yourself beyond your previous best and to do so safely with a trained pro watching you. after a month of PT, i have a lot more energy and focus, and i'm able to be a lot more active. before, i'd spend most of my days lying on the couch. when i'm more active, it feels more natural to eat more, and i don't feel it sitting in my stomach all day like when i'm lying down. and PT has helped me realize that the same muscles that will help my knee and help me be more functional also look good. it has shifted my ideal image from "skinny" to lean and toned. plus, muscles do things like increase your weight and help your circulation.
the problems you have from your eating are really serious. i still have really low blood pressure, and it causes lots of dizziness, and i've passed out on occasion. i've been lucky enough to come away with only a few scratches and bruises. luckily also, my kidneys, heart, and other organs haven't seemed to suffer from low BP as can be the case. most of all, i'm thankful not to have any permanent brain damage from brain shrinkage or lack of blood to the brain. the drs in the hospital threatened that it would happen. i don't know if it'll help, but i'll say to you what made a difference to me: "You're obviously a smart girl, so you can understand that it's just not smart or safe to walk around in your condition. Do you value your brain? because it's not getting enough oxygen or nutrients. do you take for granted that your heart will keep beating and that you'll keep standing? because those can stop at any time."
it's not your weight that i'm concerned about. it's the bad things that happen when your body stops being able to keep up with its demands. i've never had therapy for an eating disorder, so i can't say whether that'll help. my guess is that it's probably like the nutritionists telling you what you already know. though you've said that you're depressed, i assume you still want to live. i don't mean to threaten or scare you, but do think about the quality of life you'll have if you suffer brain or organ damage or if you're too tired to function up to your normal standards.
i'm sorry for babbling on. i just hope that you'll be able to adapt your demands on yourself and get your body treated to buy your mind some time to think over whether or what you want of life. i'm thinking of you.
poster:CareBear04
thread:476427
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20050314/msgs/478191.html