Posted by maura on July 27, 2005, at 2:51:39
In reply to Anorexic on the Edge, posted by narcissistic_martyr on March 27, 2005, at 20:34:01
I can relate to these posts all too well. I have about a 10 year history with EDs, mostly AN. Over the past two years, I felt I recovered, I regained somewhat normal eating patterns, maintained a steady healthy weight, and most importantly, I stopped focusing on food intake in every respect, and became afraid of dieting.
I always recovered on my own, with no medical intervention. This time around, I've just experienced a severe weightloss (I went from about 125-130lbs to 100-105lbs over 4 or 5 months). I did not diet intentionally, nor was I at all concerned with my appearance or dietary restrictions, I was just very stressed out after a breakup with a significant other, and completely lost my appetite. At first I didn't notice the weightloss, or admit to its severity. I saw my doctor for a throat infection, when I was still at about 110lbs (I'm about 5'6 and a half) she didn't pay much attention to my throat, and fussed over my weight, and sent me off for bloodwork, cardiograms, etc. The results showed that everythign was still in tact, and so she left me alone. This was over 2 months ago, and now, I've lost another 10 pounds, despite wanting to regain my health. I am definitely not looking forward to the weightgain, and how awkward that will feel, but I know that I must do it.
In addition, I am a food and nutrition student. I am begin trained to treat and deal with poeple with these sorts of problems. I know what I have to do in terms of my mealplan, but I am very hesitant to go seek treatment. At the same time, I am uneasy about going back to school in september and being surrounded by future dietitians for most of my waking hours.
Similarly to narcissistic_martyr, this isn't the lowest weight I've been at, and so I don't feel I deserve to be treated. I feel a little bit ridiculous about the notion of treatment when there are others out there who are at far lower weights, with many more impairments. I do want to regain some weight, in order to avoid any harm to myself, but I want to be able to do it myself. But at the same time, I've been trying to do it on my own, and it's only been getting worse. At this moment, I am up, at 3 30 am, due to stomach pains and bloating from supper, which I ate about 4 hours ago. I know that refeeding is painful and slow, and so I doubt medical treatment is going to feel any better than this.
And I am trying to take care of helping myself, while also avoiding getting pre-occupied with food, since I have a fear of falling into old anoretic behaviours. I'm not sure whether involving medical professionals will only make this condition worse, by just stuffing me physically, or forcing me to keep too close tabs on my food. I don't want to become obsessive about food, but at the same time, I've lost my appetite. Hardly ever being hungry, and refusing to focus too much on my food intake, causes me to eat less than I should. Having a shrunken stomach also makes weightgain difficult. And so, when I get reminded of the need to eat, I force myself to eat as much as I possibly can, of a variety of foods.
THis isn't a diet, I am aware of the associated physiological problems, I am aware of beign underweight and needing a change..and even the weightloss itself, was not intentional, it was my body's reaction to stress. Is this still AN?
I know I should really go and at least see a psychologist, but I don't really know what it is that's stopping me, or scaring me out of it.
poster:maura
thread:476427
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20050314/msgs/534076.html