Posted by Dinah on September 29, 2006, at 10:26:28
Last week I was surprised to hear those thoughts in my head. This week they feel part of me.
My husband tells me that in a million ways. I don't try hard enough. I don't do enough. He feels irritation and contempt for me. Not that he says so, of course.
And he's right. I thought, I really thought, that if I devoted my entire time and attention to work that I could be the person I once was. But it's not working out that way. I still can work only about the same number of hours.
So much of my self worth was based on the fact that I've always been very good at certain things. Not social things, not fitting in, not looking pretty. But being smart, being the best at school, being the amazing wunderkind at work. Being quick in thought, coming up with effective ways of doing things, being quick and good at what I do. I know that sounds insufferable. And it is.
Yet it's always been what's made me think I was worth putting up with.
And now... Well, it's not that I'm not good at what I do. But I just can't seem to manage to do it. I am afraid of losing my benefits. I'm afraid of not being worth the trouble. Because I am high maintenance. I always have been. I need to be worth it.
And overall I feel utterly worthless. If I don't have this, the one thing I've always been able to count on, what do I have?
I hate myself. I hate my body and brain for letting me down. I hate myself for letting my brain and body let me down. I should be able to will myself past that.
poster:Dinah
thread:690178
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060921/msgs/690178.html