Posted by Nimrod on January 29, 2005, at 9:24:46
Early warning, this may be disjointed and will probably come out sounding weak and pathetic. I've been lurking for awhile.
I'll listen to any advice I can get. Maybe I'm just venting. I don't know, I'm confused right now. I've been working on this post for about an hour and a half, and right now I'm in the middle of one of the bad spells I'm about to describe. It's come up while I've been typing. Some of this may not be rational, I won't know until I read it later (and I will probably feel disgusted with myself). I just know that if I don't just throw this up on the board, I'll lose my nerve.
I need to find a direction to move in. I think that's the point of all this. Just a nudge.
I'm in my thirties and have been dealing with depression for most of my life. The list of medications I've been on is pretty impressive, but so far if there has been any effect at all it's been negative rather than positive. I don't know if more drugs are the answer.
Last spring I was prescribed Effexor. There was a small measure of improvement. However, I forgot a single dose one morning and had to leave work an hour after my arrival and barely made it home alive. My hands and face went numb, I was shaking all over, I couldn't think or see straight, and my muscles tensed up to a sharply painful level especially in my shoulders. That was enough - I was told that missing doses wouldn't feel great, but crippling toxic shock was not described to me and not something I could risk.
So I very gradually stopped taking Effexor and the bottom dropped out of my entire life. It was six or eight weeks weaning off. I was off work for nearly that entire time and don't recall much of it. I know I spent most of it sleeping and almost never left the house.
That was June or July I think - as I said, I don't have much recall. Which brings me to where I am now.
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I am no longer able to process information like I used to. I find this message board terribly confusing. I have spells of almost total dissonance - reality simply turns to water. These spells vary in frequency and I believe them to be mostly stress triggered, but occasionally the simplest event will bring one on. A few days ago I was writing and dropped the pen and simply stared at it for several moments unable to comprehend what to do - can't write without a pen, and the pen is on the floor, how does one address this situation? I had no idea.
Decision making and problem solving skills are nonexistent. Just last night we were at the grocery store and my partner went to get some bread. She asked me "one or two loaves?" and I shut down. I didn't know, I don't think at the moment I remembered what bread was. I finally just shook my head and (wonderful, understanding girl that she is) she made the decision herself.
At least once or twice a week, I'll find myself trying to listen to something someone says and be completely unable to understand what they are saying - speech becomes simply noise that has no meaning. This will almost always happen if they are speaking quickly or change direction suddenly. I become confused and unable to make sense of what they say. God help me if they ask me a question I wasn't expecting.
Another effect of these spells - during the worst spells I will stop seeing in color. My vision will momentarily go gray. This is usually short lived.
My memory, both short and long term has become extremely bad. I literally forget how to do things I've been doing for years. I forgot the password on my computer the other day - this is a password I've been using regularly for many many years. It took an hour to remember it. My short-term memory is even worse. My partner hangs my lunch on the doorknob in the mornings because I kept forgetting it when it was in the refrigerator - more than once I've simply taken the bag off the door, set it down, and walked out without it. I constantly forget what I am doing or where I'm at with it. This is at it's worst when something needs to be done that has multiple steps to accomplish.
There are enormous gaps in my memory relating to my own past. A good part of last year is simply gone.
The absolute worst is when I'm driving. I should NOT be driving, but I have no choice as I'm not in an area that has public transportation. I learned the hard way that I can't listen to the radio when I drive. On my route to work there is a sharp turn in the highway where (thankfully) a tiny dirt road breaks off. I shot that curve at 60 miles an hour - I saw the curve, I knew perfectly well that it was there (I drive that road every day), I just didn't react. If it had been an embankment I would be dead. Nighttime is the worst, as lights (especially flashing lights) are confusing. I've run red lights simply because I didn't put it together in my mind that a red light calls for a reaction from me. Driving is terrifying, every time, all the time.
These bad spells often lead to panic attacks. Sheer irrational terror. I dread going into stores, and I can't allow myself to go into large ones. During Christmas I was at Best Buy trying to do some shopping. I'm sure you can imagine Best Buy near Christmas - noise, lights, people, and a huge amount of input to process. I became confused, the world went gray, and I began trembling violently. I had an urge to lash out - just start breaking things to make them go away. I couldn't find the door, I had lost all sense of direction, and came very close to tears. I felt like I was paralyzed, and couldn't move. When I finally got outside I stood on the sidewalk for several minutes unable to make myself walk away.
Now for the physical. My hands shake and twitch, sometimes violently. As a rule, I don't realize it's happening. When I do, I can sometimes make it stop for a few seconds. Same with my feet to a lesser degree. Very occasionally, I will experience full body spasms that last for several minutes - these are not like seizures, I will just not be able to stop moving - arms, shoulders, legs, move my head from side to side, hyperventelate, etc. Fortunately, this is pretty infrequent and doesn't last long.
My manual dexterity and physical coordination sometimes just goes away. This seems to come in spells like the other symptoms, but not always at the same time. I will become clumsy. I will not be able to pick up or hold anything. Walking will become difficult, I will go shaky and stiff-legged.
There is a recurring twitch in my left eye. I don't know if it's even noticeable to anyone else, but it can last for a few minutes or for hours and happens many times a day. It is very fast, several twitches a second. Needless to say, this is very distracting, and I've already described how I react to distracting situations.
I stutter. Badly at times. Sometimes stopping, starting over, and speaking very slowly will get me through. Sometimes I am just incapable of speaking for several minutes. Again, this comes and goes.
I have great difficulty judging distance. Once again, I should not be driving.
I seem to be constantly fatigued. I sleep a lot on my days off.
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This is all pretty new. As I said, I've been dealing with depression for most of my life and over the last few years I've been having trouble concentrating, but I was still able to function. Everything I have described here in this post has developed over the last year or so.
I'm putting this up because I'm feeling very helpless at the moment.
I'm losing. The terror is getting out of hand. I hate being looked at. I hate being spoken to. I never answer the phone, I haven't checked my email in months, and opening my mail is a huge ordeal. All my bills are late right now because I haven't been able to force myself to open the huge pile of mail on the table. I avoid going outside to smoke when the neighbors are outside, I don't want them to see me. I sure as hell don't want to bare my teeth, hope they think it's a smile, and say "Oh fine, how are YOU doing today?". It is an effort to speak. Lucky me, at the job I've managed to fool them into giving me, they are putting me on the switchboard at lunch. The very thought of answering the phone makes the panic start to rise. Every day I have to quell the urge to run - don't ask me where, just get up from my desk, walk out the front door, and start running.
I want to commit a crime so they'll lock me up, then go berserk so they'll put me in solitary confinement. I want to go crazy in a public place so they'll lock me up in a rubber room. I want to walk off into the mountains and sleep rough. Anything so I don't have to face other human beings. I don't think I can take one more threat or insult.
I don't know how to proceed or what to do. I have no medical insurance and no way of getting any. I've made a lot of stupid mistakes. I am at an extremely low income at the moment, and every day I have to spend up to an hour trying to quell the shakes enough to leave the house. If my courage fails, I will be out on the streets very shortly - our society is very hostile to people without money.
I don't know if there is any advice that can be given. I know I don't have much fight left.
It's possible I won't post again (no, I'm not threatening suicide, I just may not be able to post again). If I don't respond to any posts, don't take it personally.
poster:Nimrod
thread:449699
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/newbs/20041227/msgs/449699.html