Posted by 10derheart on November 25, 2004, at 0:02:35
In reply to communication after termination--my story, posted by messadivoce on November 23, 2004, at 2:48:18
Hi all - I'm been following this thread with great interest. I have experience with post-treatment contact as I am living through it as we speak. My former T. and I have been exchanging emails for about 2 months. We ended our work together in July when he moved away, and I wrote him a letter in September. We've been talking ever since, believe it or not. He is quite experienced, and has been honest about the lack of addressing this area properly in training (he's been a pdoc for 16 years). He is alternately warm and matter-of-fact in his emails. Then sometimes, very theoretical or detached when explaining something. For example he'll write, "One would think that...", or maybe, "Most therapists don't..." instead of using any "I" or "you" statements. It used to drive me crazy, being impersonal, but I have realized I'm longing for the level of communication we had in the therapy room, which just can't be.
I also wonder if it's subtle way for him to back off very, very slowly. I suspect in this situation a T. needs as many tools as he can think of, and ways to protect himself, too, so he can stay focused on the goal of an eventual full transition. (oh, how I hate that goal :(( So, maybe it helps to change his tone and manner somewhat. He is doing his best to support me during the transition, which is proving to be confusing, hard work (probably for him, too).
I particularly relate to Pegasus' post about the process - very insightful.I've been wanting to post so badly lately. Needing some support from the only people (Babblers) who can possibly understand the uniquely intense bond, and how excruciating termination can be. But, every time I think to do it, I either don't want to stir up the feelings or I just don't know what to say. Maybe I'll try again very soon. This is bound to get harder before it gets easier.
Messadivoce, I'm sorry you had to experience post-therapy communication in a hurtful way. Ending therapy is so very hard, but then to have to endure what I see as his broken promises, is so rough. But, I'm so glad your T. sounds like he was awesome and truly there for you during your work together. I know it doesn't help much, but I try to remind myself no one can ever take away what we learned together with them, or the many amazing moments we had because we were so close and attached. It comforts me somewhat. Do you think in the future it'll be possible to have some contact with your former T. again, and repair some things? If you want that, of course. You may not. But after more time, experience and supervision, I'm wondering if he may want to communicate in a more supportive way with you. My best to you and hope your new T. keeps helping.
I tried to go it alone but am starting the process of "interviewing" new T's now. I'm doing really well w/the things that brought me to therapy several years ago, but am afraid to go through the rest of this transition, trying to detach from old T., by myself. I need a safe place to rant, rave, cry and complain about it. I pray I find the right new T. who can deal with that. Old T. thinks it's a good idea, and says it's rare that a client gets to explore a painful termination with another T., so he feels it's a a good sign of moving along in the transition that I'm willing to do that. We shall see. I seldom feel as confident about it as he sounds. Just sad and hating the reality of the situation. But I am blessed by his navigating this with patience, care and grace.
Hang in there - we will all get through these things. :) 10derHeart (aka Deb)
poster:10derheart
thread:419213
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041123/msgs/419987.html