Posted by LG04 on November 27, 2004, at 10:36:20
In reply to Re: communication after termination--my story » messadivoce, posted by terrics on November 27, 2004, at 9:18:37
hi terrics,
i haven't written in a long time but i read the posts every so often.
i am interested in the fact that you and your first therapist became friends.
i am terminating with my therapist who i am very close to b/c i moved back to the united states. we are going thru a process where i am lessening my dependence upon her little by little and at some point we'll have a "time out" in our relationship...and eventually we have discussed the possibility of becoming friends. but first the current relationship we have has to end. we both want to be in each other's lives, but we're just not sure what the parameters will be. the only thing we know for sure is that i need to not be dependent upon her or have strong transference towards her anymore. (if we are ever to be friends)
Also it will be very hard for me to begin a relationship with a new therapist if i am still so deeply involved with her, so that is another reason why (besides that we now live half a world away from each other!) we are working on decreasing my dependence and transference. and it's working, i see a lot of progress. but it's hard sometimes. but i still am very grateful that she is open to different ideas for our relationship. it would have been terrible for me to terminate and that's it. i think it would have been very damaging to me and to all the trust that we have built up, and to the idea that she cares about me and everything.
by the way her boundaries are mostly good. i know a lot about her because i ask a lot of questions. she never offers information on her own. i know some of her issues because they come up in our relationship but i have no idea what kinds of issues she has with others. i don't know anything about her friends or family (except simple facts that i've asked like how many children she has, etc.), i don't really know any of her history (again other than a few facts), she doesn't ever tell me any of her problems, she doesn't turn to me for comfort or caretaking, etc. She's very good at keeping her needs out of the relationship except when she has to assert them to set boundaries. (which i hate!)
my biggest issue with her is that sometimes because we are so close, we might start to joke around and then she can lose her professionalism and be sarcastic or flippant with me (she told me she tends to be sarcastic in "real life"), and it can hurt my feelings. but i think it's hard to have it both ways...i.e. if i enjoy/want to have a close and intense relationship with her, then it means i am getting "more" of her. and "more" of her means a more real, rounded out relationship with her and this will sometimes include negative slip-ups since she is, after all, human. (darn!) (mostly it happens when we are talking on the phone from her home...in her office, she is more focused. she also has ADD, which doesn't help. so do i, by the way.).
anyway i wanted to hear if it's working for you two to be friends, and did you take a time-out, have you discussed the boundaries, the parameters, anything like that? did you have transference with her? if so, how did you work thru that to become friends? did you have dependence issues? my therapist wants to be very careful about this whole thing. i appreciate that.
any light you can shed would be interesting. and if anyone else reading this has had similar experiences, i'd be interested to hear.
thanks!
LG04 (who can't even envision yet seeing a new therapist...anyway i won't have enough money for a few months so meanwhile it's a non-issue).
poster:LG04
thread:419213
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041123/msgs/420889.html