Posted by shrinking violet on January 20, 2005, at 17:46:58
Hi everyone,
I apologize for not responding to posts much lately; it's difficult to know what to say sometimes, especially reading so many posts by babblers who miss their old Ts. It's a topic that is fast becoming a personal one for me as well, and reading about it makes it worse.
I'm not sure where I left off in terms of my current T since I haven't posted here in a while, but I just saw her again this week after having about three weeks off from her. Our last session together was pretty special, I think. I gave her a picture I painted (which she promptly hung in her office) and I read her a story which sort of related to our relationship and her role as a T, and I read her a short letter I wrote her about what she has given me in terms of our relationship. She said this week that that last session was very "healing" for her as a T, and it will always be a special session for her, and that she feels that something shifted and changed for me and maybe our relationship during that last session. So the past few weeks I was on winter break from grad school and she took a vacation, and in the interim I was forced to complete a partial hospital program for EDs before I could return to classes this semester. I managed to get through it, somehow. My T called me on New Years' to ask how things were going, and the week after I was doing surprisingly well (what some Prozac and a few forced meals can do for a person, eh?)so I emailed her and told her she didn't have to call me because I was okay and to enjoy the rest of her time.
I was feeling okay until I saw her this week. Not great by any means, but better than I was before the break. Seeing her again saddened me though. I'm not exactly sure why. I think it's because she is now pushing my seeing a new T for when I leave her (I have to leave my current T when I graduate this Spring). I feel caught, though, because honestly I don't want a new T. Yes, I am going to miss my current one terribly, but I knew this relationship with her was temporary when I started (although I hadn't expected to be seeing her for almost two years now!) and if I really wanted to continue doing this work for me, then I would just take a deep breath and see the new T my current T recommends. However, I don't want to continue this work anymore. I really think I'm not cut out for therapy, and it angers and frustrates me more than I can say (and I'm not quite sure I have all that much faith in it either). And I feel like it's just making things worse rather than fixing anything. Besides, therapy depends on talking which is something I'm not at all good at.
So last session my T brought it up, said that she is practially "on her knees" begging me to allow her to put this into place for me. She said she could show me tears, that she was holding them back, that's how strongly she feels about it. I don't want to hurt her, but I'm not going to set up an appt with someone I never intend to see just to make my T happy, either (is that horrible?). And I'm so so sad and hurt about leaving her. I don't think she realizes how devastating this is going to be for me. And it isn't about losing my T....sure, it stinks I can't work with her anymore after all this time, but I don't want to lose her as a person in my life. I want more than anything for her to say that she wants to keep seeing me in a different way (meet for coffee once a month, etc) but I know that'll never happen. It doesn't even feel like she is my T anymore. It feels like we've crossed some line...it's hard to explain, but I don't even view her as my T anymore. Part of me wants to just stop seeing her now, tell her that I can't see her as a T because I think we're too close and that I'd love to have a different relationship with her but that's up to her and I should find a new T. But I can't chance that I'll totally lose her that way, especially since I only have a few months left with her anyway.
*sigh* I'm sorry, I know this is all over the place. I wish I could see into the future so I could prepare myself, or maybe change what might happen. :-(
Thanks for reading. A hug/acknowledgement of some kind might be nice. I'm feeling very alone/invisible these days.
Peace,
sv
poster:shrinking violet
thread:444799
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050117/msgs/444799.html